Monday 22 September 2014

Such deep sadness

I have never felt sadness so deep in my soul as I do right now. I have had such tough times over the last six years. Bad news seems to just keep coming. I have gotten through everything that has been thrown at me so far. With the support of my husband we have picked up the pieces and moved forward. Right now though I am not sure how or if I can. In my head I believe that time will of course help but my heart, right now, is broken in to a million pieces.

I have been married for just over fourteen years now and we were together for five years before that. In nineteen years we were not able to get pregnant then IC.SI changed that and we have our beautiful daughter. By some miracle we recently found out I was pregnant. Naturally. Even though my initial reaction was being terrified due to my heart condition we were both ecstatic. This was the best news ever this was making our family complete.

Until it wasn't anymore. I started to spot but didn't think much of it at first. I spotted with E I panicked and it came to nothing. This time I was more relaxed. But the bleeding got worse. I ended up going to the hospital. They checked me over and told us that everything I had told them and the checks they had done they were happy that this was still a viable pregnancy. Again I relaxed a bit but had to return two days later for a scan to confirm all was going as it should.  When the scan was done they told us that there was no pregnancy in my uterus.

I returned to see that doctor, taken the back route. The quiet way where I wouldn't have to face other people. We cried, heartbroken. It seemed like a lifetime we sat and waited but it was probably just ten minutes.  The report from the scan showed that there was something near my cervix. The doctor offered for us to just go home and leave things happen or she could see if she could help things there and then. I opted for her to check to see if she could see anything.  One minute we were pregnant and the next it was all over.

Right now I am in limbo not sure what I should be doing. This wasn't my journey, not being able to become pregnant was our struggle. I have always said we were fortunate not to have to deal with misca.rraige. How do I move forward from this? If it wasn't for E and my husband I am not sure what I would do.  The people we have told which is just immediate family have mostly commented on how at least we know we can get pregnant now. This hurts more than I can explain in words. This may have been a one off it hasn't happened naturally before this in nineteen years who is to say it will again. Plus just to top things off with the scan they found a mass on my left hand side which now has to be investigated.

Just three more days until the next scan and hopefully more information on where we go next. For now I just need to cry, to be sad and mourn the loss of our baby.

Friday 8 August 2014

In six short days

E turns one!

I have no idea where the last twelve months have gone. They flew by so fast. My baby girl is no longer a baby but not quite a toddler yet. She has done amazingly well and is really flourishing. All the early concerns, so far, have come to nothing. We will continue to watch her as she grows and continues to develop.

At her 9 month review (which was done at 10 months, 8 months corrected) E was hitting almost all her milestones.the biggest issue, which they were not at all concerned about as she was hitting the corrected age, was visual. Part of this for example is holding a spoon and being able to bring it to her mouth. Everything else scored between her actual age of 10 months up to 15months.

I have been extremely lucky and enjoyed the full twelve months off work with her. I am stressed out about returning to work in a weeks time. It isn't the work or the job but leaving E. If we could afford for me to stay home that is definitely what would be happening but for now that is not possible so off to work I go. I am sure after a few weeks everything will settle in to place and we will be just fine.

We were hoping for a second little miracle but so far that is not to be. We have been talking seriously the last few weeks about it though. If I am honest I am not sure that a second pregnancy would be the best for us, or should I say me and maybe the baby. I am very worried about a second premature birth and with my heart condition I also worry if something were to happen to me.

I have enquired about adoption and we are looking at this as a serious option. If any of you know any blogs on adoption in the UK please let me know. We almost didn't do IVF at all as we were going to go straight to adoption. I guess we needed to try at least once and I am now so glad we did.

I will probably be back in another six months for an update :0)

Monday 17 February 2014

6 months later

I know I left you all hanging so just popping in to say hello. That is assuming you are still reading!

My baby girl is now 6 months old and is doing really well. We have her consultant follow up tomorrow where I will be raising a few very small concerns. I am sure it is just my over protectiveness and she is perfectly fine but a little reassurance can only be a good thing.

I wish I was able to blog about the last 6 months but I just can't bring myself to do it. Every time I start to think about what happened I start to tear up and have to force my brain to switch off. I feel like I might just break and I am not ready to go there yet. Did anyone do the fac.eb.ook video? Mine included a picture of me holding E when she was just days old and and I sat and sobbed! It is ridiculous and even now I have tears welling in my eyes. I am considering asking my doctor about finding someone to talk to about it. I know therapy is readily available in the US but here in the UK I would not know where to begin.

Anyway enough for now, hopefully I will able to update her more often once I get past this.

Friday 23 August 2013

October 17th

Is or should I say was my due date. Our daughter was far too eager to meet us and arrived nine weeks and one day early. She is the most beautiful and tiny little person I have ever seen and I am so blessed that she is mine and J's.

E spent six days in the NICU but was well enough to be moved to HDU. Saturday was a tough day and she was edtremely poorly but since then shenhas been thriving. She no longer needs a respirator and is breathing on her own and holding her sats.

Feeding was stopped due to her stomach issues on Saturday but she was restarted on feeds Monday morning and has built up from 2ml every two hours to 14 ml every two hours. She s a little fighter that is for sure! She also needed Phototherapy for jaundice but thankfully that was also stopped yesterday as her body is now doing what it should all by itself.

Today we are hoping to get those feeds up even more and to get her off the fluids. Removing the fluids is the next big step for her. Any good thoughts or prayers that she comes off them tonight would be appreciated.

The last nine days have been the toughest of our lives. Just sitting and watching her. Unable to just pick her up and comfort her when we want to. Trying not to touch even as the less you touch the more they rest which means the heal and grow quicker. Touching them just stimulates them and uses up the little energy that they have.

We have been able to hold her most days but only at certain times and usually for about an hour. Those precious moments bring a complete sense of calm over my whole body.  We know she is getting stronger by the day and are learning patience in a way I never knew was possible.  Although there have been many tears shed we are happy with how she is dong.

I will try and post when I can but we are spending very little awake time a home. I am going back to bed for an hour before it is time to get up for the day and make our way to the hospital for the next 12-14 hour shift with our daughter.  I f I could stay 24 hours I would but we know we have to get our rest so that we are able to look after he when she is able to come home.

Thursday 30 May 2013

It's been a while............

I just checked to see what my last post said and I was shocked to see it was just after the very first scan we had done.  The one where we saw the heartbeat and found out we were 100% pregnant.  That was so long ago!  I am 20 weeks today halfway there already.

March 12th the midwife came to visit us at home to get us booked in.  We were asked about a 1000 medical questions.  In the end I was laughing, as between the two of us, plus close family members (parents and siblings) the amount of medical issues that came up was just ridiculous!  Plus the do you smoke, drink, do drugs questions.  It took a while to get through it all.

Due to family history on my side I have to do the GTT test but that isn't until the end of July.  I was given a load of leaflets to read through, most of which were common sense.  I will have to have whooping cough immunisation done.  I am not sure when that needs to be done but I believe it is pretty late on.  I have no dates written in my notes for that yet.  I am sure the midwife will add it on to my list nearer the time.

The midwife took my notes with her to book me in for the 12 week scan.  These notes are to be taken to every appointment, along with a urine sample.  I would receive the appointment through the post for the 12 week scan and I would be able to collect my notes on this day and then they are my responsibility from there on out.  Normally you don't get to see any medical notes here in the UK so it was pretty strange knowing they would be my responsibility.  Although I do like having them as I am constantly checking to make sure I haven't forgotten anything.

My 12 week scan appointment came through pretty quickly and actually landed on the day I would be exactly 12 weeks April 4th.  I am booked under OB care due to being high risk because of IVF and Endom.etriosis.  The midwife explained that it would just mean that my appointments would be split between her and whichever OB I was allocated.

Once again the day of the scan I was a nervous wreck.  I hadn't had any problems but I can't half work myself up for no reason.  My appointment time was 10.45am  I drank water as directed and my bladder was nice and full ready to get the scan done.  Unfortunately we were an hour late going in and by this time I was in a lot of pain and discomfort (thank you endo on my bladder!).  It took all my concentration to relax on that bed while the scan was done.  As soon the the u/s probe was pressed on to me it hurt like hell.  I closed my eyes and took deep breathes and waited to be told that the heart was still beating.

Luckily she told us almost straight away and turned the screen for us to look.  It was hard for me to open my eyes and look but I did, I did not want to miss this completely.  Within 20 seconds my eyes were once again closed to get through the rest of the scan.  The measurements were done and we were told we were measuring at exactly 12 weeks, spot on so no worries there.  We had some pictures printed out and I was bale to head straight to the toilet.

Before leaving the next set of appointments were booked in, a follow up with the OB and the GTT test.  So we would be back in less than four weeks to find out what happens next.

Thursday 9 May 2013

Two months

Wow it has been almost two months since I last posted.  I have a lot to catch up on but just for today I am here to help a fellow endo sister out.  For anyone who doesn't follow her blog already then you really should.

Leah has had numerous surgeries for her endometriosis and has tried alternative therapies.  Leah also did IVF alone and was unsucessful, something many of those within the IF world can relate to.  I know I am in the minority with a successful first attempt and I really do appreciate it every day and I know how lucky I am.

Help Leah out take a look at her blog and buy her recently published book on amazon.

UK link :

US link :

I won't tell you any more about Leah go read her blog and buy the book and see for yourself.  Leah is a wonderful writer and it is so easy to connect with her words.  I am sure you will lover her writing as much as I do!

Sunday 17 March 2013


I haven't known what to write for so long.  Every time I check in though my page views are increasing.  So I am sorry to those of you who have eagerly been awaiting an update from the scan.  I have had so many different emotions these past weeks.  I wasn't ready to write them down.

Anyway the scan went amazingly well!  On the drive there I was a nervous wreck.  I had been so calm for the whole cycle but by this point the emotions were ready to burst.  I kept consciously breathing in and out trying to stay in the calm state I had the whole time.  It was hard.  We were waiting to find out if the whole ordeal had worked would there be a heartbeat.

Luckily we didn't have long to wait and were called back for our scan.  The nurse checked some information  and dates and then it was time for the scan.  J held my hand and the nurse first of all turned the screen away which only made me more nervous!  But within seconds she turned it around and said there is the heartbeat and everything looks perfect.  I just burst into tears and they had to get me the tissues.  I didn't hear what was said for the next minute.  I was releasing all that pent up emotion and it felt great.

Once I had calmed down I was able to look at the screen and see the heartbeat.  There wasn't a lot to see with it being so early but you could easily see that heart beating.  We were able to film it on our phone so we can look at it when we want and show family.  I can not wait until our next scan where we will be able to see so much more!  We were also given scan pictures to bring home.

As we hadn't told a soul about starting the cycle we decided to go around and tell our parents and siblings the next day.  It was again very emotional.  They were all sworn to secrecy until we were ready to tell anyone else.  Amazingly they all did keep our secret, even my Nan, who never ever keeps secrets.  I bumped in to one of her friends and she didn't say a thing to me I was laughing inside knowing it must have killed her not to say anything.

It was great to have our family knowing and of course the support.  Even if they do ask how I am every five minutes.