Weigh In Wednesday

My first post of 2012.  I hope every one of you had a good New Year!

I was nervous after a small 0.5lb loss Christmas week I felt that the week over New Year was actually harder.  I wanted to eat the chocolates and we had lots of other goodies in the house pringles and chocolate fingers and cake!  I did eat a little of everything but tried very hard to limit how much I had.

I guess treating myself but staying aware of how much I was having paid off once again!

Another 0.5lb loss!

Besides the weight loss my body is also playing games with me this month.  I have had no sign of ovulation and I am CD19 today.  I have had pains today that made me think that maybe I was ovulating today but I had no line on my OPK.  The pain was pretty bad for about an hour.  It was around my left ovary and those awful contraction type pains that ripple across my abdomen.  That is the pain I do not want to come back.  At it's worst (almost 4 years ago now) my husband once asked me if I was sure I wasn't in labour.  Seriously if I was able to breathe at the time I may just have killed him.

Let's wait and see how aunt flo treats me in 9 days time.  I am a little nervous I am due a rough month.  Isn't it awful that we prepare for a bad month!  I have had 2 months where I was in pain and uncomfortable but managed with paracetamol and lidocaine pain patches.  I also made it to work every day although my boss always comments on when I am ill I guess I must look like hell.

Final post of 2011

This year has gone by so quickly. I remember the struggle in 2010 to get my referral letter to the appropriate people to get me on the list for IVF. Finally on December 4th I was added. Then it seemed to take forever to get to the initial appointment with the clinic which we had in April. This was when I was told it was a 12 - 18 month wait. So just a few days in to 2012 and it will have already been 13 months!

I didn't know how I was going to get through this wait. It was such a long time. I also had my endometriosis surgery to focus on and get through. That was way back on February 15th! Almost 11 months ago.

I guess since I recovered from that I just decided to enjoy my life and what will be will be.

I joined ww at the end of June and I have lost 40lb's. Another 28lb to go but I am so much closer to that goal now. Add the fact I lost weight over Christmas week and I feel like I have achieved so so much.

In 2011 I also turned in to a bit of a telly addict. I watched Greys Anatomy from the beginning as I had never seen it before. Plus I have rewatched ER which is up to season 12 and I am on season six of One Tree Hill ( never watched this before either).

Any suggestions for other shows? I have just added The Wire into my planner as they are starting it from episode 1 on Jan 6th. Other shows I watch are Private Practise, Big Love, Blue Bloods, NCIS, Terra Nova, Falling Skies plus X Factor and American Idol. There are others I am forgetting (including Hawaii 5-0).

See what I mean!

It helps pass the time to keep busy and when I don't feel up to doing anything that involves moving too much thanks to endometriosis pain then watching tv is a great alternative.

So here's to 2012 may this be the year that those of us who want it so badly get our miracle. It has to be someones turn next fingers crossed I am in that elite list this year!

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all

I found out from Facebook!

If it weren't for the fact that Facebook has so many positives for me I would most definitely close down my account.  I am a member of numerous groups on there all aimed at support and advice for women with endometriosis and all members are women with endo themselves.  I have made a lot of friends this way who know exactly what I go through on a day to day basis because it is there life to.

But this weekend my cousin announced that her pregnancy was going great.  I had no idea she was pregnant and I was really happy for her.  I was a little worried that she may have problems like me as I thought that it was that side of the family that this disease was affecting.  I am glad she hasn't had to deal with any of this.

Okay so you may be wondering what the issue is?  Well it is the fact that she is 20 weeks pregnant and not one member of my family thought it might be a good idea to tell me.  I don't think they purposely didn't tell me they just never brought it up.  I may just be oversensitive (okay not maybe I AM). But really if it were the other way around and one of my sister's, or any family member for that matter, were dealing with infertility I would make sure they knew and that they were okay.

Anyway I am glad that she is pregnant and I am over the moon that all is going well.  Why can't people just have more tact and thoughtfulness.  I am sure I have been guilty of this in the past in other situations.  I just thought my family especially my sister's would have thought more about my feeling's than that.

Okay moan over, I feel better to get it off my chest.  So here is to two new babies joining the family in the next 4 months.

The next step

I had an appointment with my specialist on May 23rd.  It wasn't really good news and have put off blogging about it.  I needed time to get my head around what they told me.  I wasn't in a good place but I am moving forward and getting on with life.  What else can you do?

My appointment was at 11.15am so I went to work as normal for 8am.  It was a Monday and Monday's are, for me, just like the song manic.  I got 2 hours worth of work done which I know would make the rest of the week easier for me.  J picked me up at 10am and we drove to the hospital.  We have only ever been to this hospital once and we were taking a different route this time.  It was only a 30 minute journey at the very most so we had plenty of time. I always get nervous about being late though.  Luckily this route was easy and we made it with 30 minutes to spare even after finding somewhere to park which was no easy feat.

As we were early we had a bit of a wait.  We never go in to appt.'s on time, ever!  We got called in around noon, which isn't bad just 45 minutes late.  The downside it was not my specialist.  I probably should have insisted that I see him but I gave this female doctor a chance first.  She was actually really helpful and informative and I found out more from her that I had from anyone else.  I had a list of questions and I got answers to all of them.  They weren't necessarily the answers I was expecting to hear but at least now I know where we stand.

When I woke up from surgery I felt great.  The shoulder pain had gone and I felt amazing as seen as I had just been through a gruelling operation.  The pain came back pretty quickly I have been trying to ignore it, but, it is there.  The shoulder pain comes and goes and isn't constant so there is some improvement with that.  The back pain has also reduced but is still there from time to time.  The fatigue is as ever present as it always has been.  My cycle is heavy as usual but not quite so clotty.  The normal pelvic/ovary pain is there throughout my cycle but worse in the days leading up to the start.

Even though my surgery lasted a lot longer than I had been booked in for they had still been unable to remove everything.  My right hand side was so badly adhered they didn't touch it as they were worried about damage to my bowel.  At this appt. I found out that when they had looked in that area and assessed it they had left well enough alone as if they had tried to unstick the tissue then they would have most definitely perforated my bowel.  Bowel perforation would have meant a colostomy bag.  I am so pleased I woke up without one of those.  I was not prepared for that and if it had actually been a reality at the time I do not think I would have coped with it.  If I had advance warning that it was a high probability I would have prepared my self for it and it would not have then been a shock.

There were other areas of endometriosis that were not removed and they were also left due to the worry over my bowel.  I have a lot of bowel area stuck to places it should not be stuck.  No wonder I am always in so much pain especially when using the bathroom!   The fact that we had expressed that fertility was a major issue for us was what the doctors used during the surgery.  If we had already completed our family and no longer wanted children I am sure they would have been much more aggressive and removed everything possible.  To preserve my fertility they did what they could for now and I will be having further surgery at some point in the next few years.

I have to get through the next 12 months get to the top of that IVF waiting list and pray that we have a sucessful outcome.  I am once again playing a waiting game.  I wish we could afford to pay for treatment and just get on with things but all things come to those who wait.

Such a let down

Sorry for not posting sooner.  Mondays appointment at the IVF clinic was a bit of a let down.  I really am no wiser now than I was before then.  We were called in to see the doctor who flicked through our forms and asked questions as she did.  They didn't have J's SA results which, as it is the same clinic, you would think they would have them on file and easily accessible.  Obviously things are not that simple.

I explained about my endometriosis and the two surgeries I had had and due to the fact that most of my right ovary was removed they did an internal ultrasound and a blood test to check my ovarian reserve (AMH).  Giving blood was easy the phlebotomist was very good and got the vein first go and hardly left a mark.  Normally they struggle to get blood from me and I end up with numerous needle sticks and a large bruise.  The ultrasound however was a different story!  To say it was painful is an understatement.  The reason for the pain was that there is a cyst on my left ovary. Seriously. Nine weeks after excision and I have a cyst.

I am hoping that the cyst will naturally disappear.  I guess time will tell with that.  The blood gets sent to Glasgow for testing and I have no idea how or when or even if I will get the results.  As it is Easter I am going to give it a couple of weeks and then call them.  I don't think I can stand not knowing.  If I have no eggs then we can get on with other options.  The next step for us which we have talked a lot about is adoption.  I would rather know and move on now than wait 12 months when we will likely get to the top of the IVF list to be told.

(Courtesy of Google images)

The one thing I was told was that I have to lose a lot of weight.  If I don't then treatment would not go ahead.  I already knew that and as you all know my first week of healthy eating I lost 3lb's.  Tomorrow I weigh again and hopefully I will get another 3lb.  I find it extremely hard to lose weight even though I have so much to lose.  So a slow and steady weight loss is what I am aiming for.  In total I have to lose 68lb to get to the heaviest healthy weight they will allow treatment to commence.  I am going to look for a ticker that I can put here.  You are all needed to keep me on track and if I have a ticker you can keep up with how things are going.

IVF appointment on Monday

That's Monday coming just six days away.  It took us so long, and a hard fight, to get on the list and now we finally have our initial appointment.  We get to find out what could possibly happen and when.  I am excited, nervous and terrified all at once.  I have googled and read information about IVF but there is so much out there and it is all so confusing.  There are so many different options IUI, ICSI, IVF and then the medications so many choices.  I wish I knew what was best for us and which medications I will be given hopefully Monday will bring at least a little clarity for us.

The one big thing that I do know is that I need to lose weight to be considered a healthy weight for the treatment to go ahead.  I need to lose at least seventy pounds and I am hoping to maybe even lose a hundred!  I went to the shop on the way home and stocked up on fruits and veggies.  I bought pomegranate seeds to try but they were disgusting.  I have also bought raspberries, strawberries, tangerines, kiwi, passion fruit, blueberries, grapes, apples and bananas.  I have yogurt (I hate yogurt but thought I would give it another go) for breakfast and I am going to add some fruit rather than having cereals.  That means less milk in my diet which the endo diet says is good.  Apparently dairy causes inflammation.

I am such a fussy eater and I know I will struggle to find a variety of foods to keep me going and not get bored.  I have made a batch of veggie soup which I will take to work tomorrow which cuts out bread.  Anyone who has suggestions for me I will really appreciate them.  I will just say though that I hate salad! I can cope with a little lettuce and cucumber but that's it.  I will eat most meats and I like potato, rice and pasta. 

I also have to work out some sort of exercise routine that will fit into my day but that won't drain me of the little energy I have.  There are only so many spoons to last any one day.  I have been making them last the past few weeks although some nights I can't wait to get in to bed.  I will have to work out some way of stretching them a little further.  If you are wondering why on earth I am going on about spoon's then read this The spoon theory . For some reason the actual website it is from isn't working so I will post that for you as well.  It is www.butyoudontlooksick.com .  Hopefully it will be back up and working soon.

So here goes the start of my weight loss to get to a healthy weight to get this IVF cycle off to a great start.  I have plenty of time thank goodness as they say from referral to start of treatment is approximately eighteen months.  Our referral date is December 3rd 2010 which means we are looking at May 2012.  You all have permission to nag me and keep on at me to get this weight off.  I need as much help and support in this as I can get.  Here's to working out what exercise I can fit in and actually achieve without causing too much pain.  Wish me luck.

Reflexology

I decided it was about time I gave alternative therapies a chance.  Since July 2008 I have had two surgeries and had Lupron for six months.  As we are trying to conceive it means the birth control pill and the mirena coil are out.  I use pain killers as and when needed but since my surgery, just over four weeks ago, I have not taken that much (not counting the few days right after surgery when I needed quite a bit of pain control).

I started reflexology Friday of last week and went again yesterday.  The lady that does it is tiny, lovely but tiny!  Seriously I am only 5 foot 4 and I feel so tall next to her.  I feel rude calling her tiny so I will refer to her as just plain and simple T.  I met her at the endo support group meeting at the end of January.  T came in to talk to us about what reflexology was and how it may help with our pain.  Not only our endo pain but the whole body.

The first thirty minutes we just spent running through my medical history.  I am surprised thirty minutes was enough but it was just basics needed I didn't need to go into detail.  Apart from my endo I have been pretty healthy.  I do suffer from eczema and hay fever but only mildly and all my other hospital visits were when I was much younger.  Once the basics were done I got to sit back and relax in the most comfortable sun lounger style chair ever.  Once I was sat comfortably the chair then tipped back so my feet were up in the air much easier for T to do her magic.

There was lovely relaxing music playing in the background and I immediately felt comfortable and relaxed.  T asked me to let her know whenever I felt any pain or tenderness on my feet or anywhere in my body.  The feet part was easy when she pressed on something and it was painful I let her know.  When I had pain in my body though how did I know if it was just pain I would have had anyway or if I needed to let her know.  I went with it and just told her when I felt anything.  Lots of notes where made during the hour she spent working my feet.

Anyone who has endo will likely agree with what I am going to say next and if you don't have endo then listen up!  Fatigue and tiredness play a major part in our lives.  If we say we  are tired we don't just mean I didn't get enough sleep last night.  We mean we are exhausted, beyond tired, our bodies ache with tiredness.  For me the fatigue is worse than the pain.  The pain can be lessened with pain killers and isn't constant (for me anyway other women are not so lucky) the fatigue however never leaves.  It is a running joke that I am constantly tired no matter how much sleep I have.  Well it turns out, as T explained it to me,  that the part of my feet that is connected to sleep is like a switch that is constantly ON!  She worked hard on this both weeks for me.  After the first session I left and was ready to fall asleep then and there at the wheel of my car on my drive home.  Yesterday however I commented that I felt wide awake and she replied "That's because I took it all from you, there was a point when I was so overcome with tiredness I felt like I would fall asleep."

Do you remember me telling you about the awful shoulder pain that was magically gone after surgery? Well guess what it hasn't gone.  It isn't there constantly now but it does still bother me.  It tends to be worse when I am led down in bed, I can't sleep on my back it hurts too much, as soon as get on to my side it eases off.  Apparently we have a nerve that runs from out neck down through the shoulder and then on down toward the pelvic area. T thinks this is what is causing my shoulder pain.  She worked on this both weeks for me but I am not yet seeing an improvement. 

I have a lot going on in all areas connected to the uterus and ovaries.  I guess that is completely expected when I am still recovering internally from surgery and I still have endo in there.  I like the fact that with reflexology they work on the body as a whole.  I had a cold about a week after surgery and it has been lingering just a little bit on my chest.  I cough from time to time.  Right at the end of the session yesterday I coughed and felt like I needed to spit up, of course I couldn't but she told me that she was working on my lungs as she could feel that I needed to get whatever was still lingering out from there.  I also had a slight yellowing in that area of my feet which showed there was still something there.  Hopefully next time I go that will be gone.

I am really happy with it so far and I look forward to the next appointment which is on the 28th.  It is going to be a be a busy day for me as I start back to work and the next endo meeting is also that night.  I scheduled the appointment with T so that when I leave her I can go straight to the meeting.  It is early days and I am hoping to get to see really noticeable changes and results withing the next month or so.  For now it is worth it just for the "me" time and the relaxation I get seems to ease life's daily stress.

2011 Awareness Endo Video

My lovely friend Barb made this amazing endo awareness video.  The fact that I am in it obviously makes it personal which of course this disease is!  Please watch and I hope you enjoy it, it most definitely brought tears to my eyes.  Go ahead and share it with as many people as you can.  Just in case you were wondering the women in the pictures all have endo and offered thier pictures to barv=b for the video.  Any questions then feel free to ask me.                            

3 weeks post surgery

Three weeks ago today, right now in fact, I was in surgery.  Surgery that would hopefully give me some sort of pain free life.  When I was told how bad my right hand side was and that they hadn't touched it I knew instantly that I was not gong to be pain free.  I still had hope that my pain was gong to be greatly reduced though.  The fact that I had woken up with that awful shoulder pain gone helped keep my spirits up and believe that things could only get better.

After surgery I bled for 5 days.  Not heavily, just annoying and I was only allowed to use towels.  After using tampons for so long it was tough using sanitary towels.  My actual period was due on the 28th of February which is still yet to arrive.  I now have no idea when I might start to bleed.  It might just be I skipped this one due to post surgery bleeding and my next one will come right on time.  Or I could start bleeding at any time.  Who knows!  So for now, just to be on the safe side, I have tampons in my bag for whenever I leave the house.

I had five incisions for the surgery, four of which haven't really bothered me, but one has been extremely painful.  To look at it is so small and looks great as it is healing just fine.  But the pain, not all the time, wow it hurts.  It seems to ease pretty quickly though.  Maybe it is something I am doing that is aggravating it?  I guess I will have to keep an eye on when it starts and make a note of what I have been doing.  Over the counter paracetemol is enough to take the edge off. I really do not want to take anything stronger.  I hate painkillers!

That shoulder pain that I said was gone when I woke up, well it hasn't gone completely.  It is so much better than before but it is still there.  Much more bearable now and not constant.  It is the constant pain that can get you down, to always have some sort of pain is draining.  I have been having some ovary pain as well but again much better than before.  For now I am blaming it all on the fact that my insides are raw and healing.  The extent of surgery will take time to heal and I am going to allow it the time it needs before I blame the endo for causing the pain.

So for now things seem to be right on track (apart from my period).  I will be contacting the hospital at some point this week to find out when my follow up appointment will be.  I will not allow them to operate on me and then explain everything to me when I am lucid rather than high right after surgery.  They did that to me the last time and it took two and a half years to find out everything I wanted to know.

(originally written at 10am)

Today is Yellow Shirt Day

March 1st, Yellow Shirt Day to kick of awareness for the month for endometriosis.

I love the fact that there are so many of my friends on facebook who have profile pictures signifying the importance of this month and using it to raise awareness.  Yes a lot of them are my endo sisters but there are also those supporting us that do not suffer.  To me that says so so much!

For me today is also St. Davids Day.  Today is a good day.

Lets all do as much as we can throughout the month of March to promote awareness for this incurable chronic pain disease that affects 176 million women worldwide.

http://www.endometriosis-uk.org/

http://www.endometriosis.org.uk/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis

http://www.shetrust.org.uk/

http://www.endofound.org/

Above are a few websites with plenty of information about endometriosis. 

I wore my yellow today with pride and will continue through out the month to post facts and statistics both here and on facebook.  I will apologise in advance if I start to bug you (probably more so on facebook than here) but please forgive me we need more awareness and if we don't speak out about it ourselves no one else will do it for us.

January 2010 until now.......

On the 20th January of 2010 I had an appt. with Liz who was a specialist endometriosis and pelvic pain nurse.  I had found the details for the self referral to Liz from my Endo UK support group.  It was an evening appt. at a hospital I hadn't been to before which is just a 20 minute drive away.  The hospital is enormous (compared to what I am used to).  It was easy to park and they have a reception area so I could get directions.  After walking for what seemed miles around lonely quiet corridors I found where I was supposed to be.

Liz was really friendly and put me at ease straight away.  She asked me to start at the beginning and tell her everything I thought was necessary for her to know.  As I was going through things she would ask me questions and take notes.  Once that part was done she gave a a questionnaire to fill in.  It was a pain scale from day 1 of my cycle to day 28.  She wanted to know when my pain was worse plus there was a picture of a woman and I had to colour in the areas that I suffer with pain.  I don't remember what else was on there I will try and get another copy and see if I can post it here.

After the questionnaire was done Liz asked me what was being done for my endo at this moment in time to which I replied nothing just painkillers when I need them.  Liz made a note of the meds I was currently taking.  Finally once she was happy she had all the information she needed she gave me her opinion.  The first thing she told me was that she thought I needed surgery.  My painkillers needed changing and she wanted to get me transferred to the endo surgeons at UHW.  For the first time I actually felt like someone was listening to me, truly listening.

The next steps were going to be Liz contacting my GP's to get me on painkillers that would help with the pain much better than those I was currently taking.  She would also write to my specialist and ask for me to be transferred to UHW for excision surgery.  Liz was sure my specialist would agree as he was just a general gynae and basically as an awkward patient for Mr E he would be better off not having to deal with me.  Liz assured me that of all the specialists she had written to she had not had one refuse.  At the end of the hour appt. I was so relieved I fought to hold back my tears.

Once again it was back to waiting.  Liz promised the letters would be done and posted by the weekend.  I gave it 2 weeks and made an appt. with my GP's to get rx for my new meds.  The best thing I now had on rx was lidocaine pain patches.  I could use up to 3 for 12 hours but then had to leave them off for 12 hours.  They were great as I could put them right on the area causing me pain.  Mostly I have used them for my lower back pain.  This is the pain that makes it difficult to walk, I end up leaning forward and having to sit down as soon as possible.  I also had three different lots of tablets for different levels of pain.  I was also to start taking the pain meds two days before I knew the pain would start to try and stop the higher levels of pain happening.

Mr E wouldn't refer me to UHW without seeing me first and talking through the difference in the surgeries.  He would have done laser removal although during my many appt.'s with him further surgery was never mentioned.  I saw him in the April he basically wanted me to know that excision was much more invasive and there were many more complications that could arise.  I already knew this as I had done a lot of research myself.  Once he was happy I knew what I was transferring to have done he agreed.  Now I had to wait for him to write back to UHW.  The letter was sent on April 27th.

Waiting, waiting, waiting isn't that all we seem to do with doctors appt.'s!  Finally I got an appt. with Mr P at UHW in October.  J (my husband) came with me.  Mr P was lovely really down to earth not like many other doctors you meet he was a real people person.  He asked me lots of questions, questions that no one else had ever asked me before. Questions that were actually relevant.  He examined me which as any woman will attest to is really uncomfortable and embarrassing.  It doesn't matter they are gynaecologists and have seen it all before!  He agreed that we should go ahead and do excision surgery so he filled out all the paperwork to get me on the list.  Here in the UK you are supposed to have treatment started by 26 weeks from referral.  November 26th was my 26 weeks date.  Mr P told me that they were running 2 months behind so we were likely looking at the end of January 2011.  He did make a note on my file that I was happy to have surgery Christmas week which would have been the 21st or 22nd.  Apparently most people don't want surgery right before Christmas I didn't care I just wanted it over and done with.

At least now I had an idea of when the surgery would happen.  That it really was going to happen!

We also spoke about fertility.  Mr P set up SA for J.  You would have thought such an easy test would have been done two years before.  So things really seemed to be moving in the right direction at last.  He gave us everything we needed and I just had to phone and make an appt. for a time that suited us.  The earliest available appt. that fitted in with work was late November so we had five weeks to wait.

So back to waiting.  I had a pre op appt. pretty quickly so I did hope that the surgery may just get squeezed in before Christmas but that was not to be.  I have a heart murmur so I had to get that checked before they would approve me for surgery.  Nothing is ever easy is it?   Luckily the echo was done within two weeks which is extremely quick now I just had to hope all would be okay for the surgery to actually happen.  I don't know what I would do if they said they couldn't go ahead.

J had his SA appt. late November.  We saw Pete he asked us some questions, how long we had been trying, if I had ever been pregnant, that type of thing.  Then he asked if we were on the IVF waiting list, when we said no, he asked why not.  So I explained that I had been unable to get anyone to refer me.  He said that my GP could do it.  I told him that my GP's had told us that they couldn't to which his reply was "rubbish!".  The SA results would go back to Mr P and he would write to us with the results.  The letter came through, but instead of results, the letter stated the test needed to be repeated.  I booked another appt for Jan 13th.

I heard nothing from the hospital for my surgery before Christmas.  On my return to work after the Christmas holidays my boss asked if I had a date yet.  I telephoned Mr P's secretary to find out so I could let my boss know.  She confirmed I had been booked in for Feb 15th.  I was surprised as I had expected to just be told not yet and have to keep waiting.  I finally had a date.

J had his second SA done and the results came back as sub optimal and that Mr P would discuss it with us at my post op appt. Now it was just 4 weeks until surgery.  I just let everything be for 4 weeks I needed to relax and not worry about SA results.  I concentrated on work and getting things done before Feb 15th.

It is now 8pm on Feb 13th.  I am nervous, anxious even but also hopeful.  I hope that this is the surgery to decrease if not rid me of pain.  I hope this is the surgery that makes our family a possibility.

Life on Lupron

There are many women out there who simply refuse to go on this medication.  I really didn't know much about it when my doctor suggested it as the treatment option I needed.  I knew it brought on menopausal symptoms which is what I told Mr E and he gave me a prescription there and then for HRT (or add back as some of you call it) to help alleviate those symptoms.  I trusted him as a doctor that he knew what he was talking about.

I had my first injection on October 13th 2008 and one have one every four weeks.  After reading on the endo groups I am a part of on facebook I was glad I was having them every four weeks and not the longer lasting 3 monthly injection.  I am not good with needles and when I saw how much liquid was being injected in to me I was not impressed.  It really wasn't that much but like I said I don't like needles can you imagine what I would have thought if there was three times as much in there!  My husband was with me and always the one to keep me calm made a big joke which made me laugh.  Some people would probably kill him when he does things like this but for me it was just what I needed.

I had the injection in my left arm and it left my whole arm sore and achy.  I hadn't returned to work yet since the surgery so I was able to go home and relax. Once home I did just that then started to get bored.  I had towels that needed folding and putting away.  So I went and folded them into a nice tidy pile picked up them all up and swiftly dropped them all.  It was one of those laugh or cry moments and I had to laugh I was so tired of crying.  The ache in my arm was like a had a dead arm and it just couldn't take the weight.  I piled them back up and left them for my husband to carry upstairs to be put away.

Apart from the aching arm the first week was a breeze.  Everything was normal nothing changed.  Then after that the hot flashes and insomnia started.  Wow the heat was amazing and one of my friends had bought me one of those hand held fans oh how I was thankful for that.  I had started the HRT the same day I had the first injection and I like to think that it really did help with all the symptoms.  I had hundreds of hot flashes it was winter and being wrapped up from the cold weather really wasn't needed I had my own internal (though broken) thermostat.  We had been invited to a friends 50th birthday party and it was packed and the heat was too much to bear so I went and sat downstairs where it was quiet and cool.  I am lucky to have good friends and husband and someone was sat downstairs with me the whole time.  Sometimes they to were hot and needed to cool down but they stayed that bit longer to keep me company.  I remember someone saying that they were having hot flushes due to the change and I said "yeah me too" to be told not to be so stupid I was way too young.  That made me angry why would I say it if it wasn't true okay it wasn't real menopause but medically induced all the same in my book. 

The insomnia was strange for me I had never had a problem sleeping before.  Seriously I can sleep for 10 hours every night.  I have always been like that, always needed a lot of sleep but never felt like I was actually getting enough.  I had been to my doctor about it many a time.

Apart from the hot flashes the worst symptom for me was the emotions.  One minute I would be fine then crying uncontrollably and then rage.  When I say rage I mean rage!  It was like I could have quite easily have killed someone or had a good go trying.  That is so not my personality I would not harm anyone.  Those emotions though they overwhelmed me and I had to fight hard to have at least some control.  I had bought a pair of sketchers and was returning them as they didn't fit.  The lady on the counter said they couldn't take them back as they had been worn.  Those emotions were triggered and I had to fight to keep my hands by my side as I explained that that was what they were like when they were delivered and if you looked at the sticky labels that were still fully intact you could see that they hadn't been worn.  It was a battle to remain normal but I managed it and I got my refund.   The fresh air when I got outside the shop was just what I needed.  I had many walks during this time the fresh air would help clear my head it just made me feel better.

My husband learned to stop asking if I was okay when I was crying he now knew it was just the side effects and that asking me how I was just made me angry.  To be fair he was a saint during this time.  He often went out and just left me be.  That gave him a break as well as me.  It was as hard for him as it was for me there was nothing he could do except for be there when I did need that cwtch (that's a hug by the way).  I also learned that if he could put up with me like this at my worst he could put up with anything. 

Lupron also caused joint and muscle aches and pains but I didn't really notice these so much.  Probably because the pain I had been in before surgery had been so much worse.  I compare all pain back to that now nothing touches it anymore.  I sometimes get pain that is bad but rather than being a 10 it is more a 6 maybe a 7.  I feel lucky in that way some women suffer that level of pain daily and worse.  I almost forgot the night sweats waking up soaking in your own sweat there is nothing like it.

March 2nd 2009 I had the sixth and final injection it was a relief to know that they were all done.  Now to just get through the next four weeks.  Then to see how long the side effects would last and when my period would return.  All the side effects gradually eased off the hot flashes were the ones that hung around the longest.  My period returned in June and was "normal" I was crampy but it felt like that was how it was supposed to be.  The Lupron had stopped my period I had just had one light one in early November that had only lasted four days.

Since the Lupron I have had no other treatment for endo.  I have painkillers for when I need them and that is all.  I also have, still, never been pregnant.  The surgery and Lupron have not helped in that respect and this is what I have spent the last two years fighting for.  To get someone to listen and hear me and help me become a mother.  For my husband to be a father.  And for the three of us to become a family.  Maybe one day that dream may still come true I hold on to Hope.