Monday, 22 September 2014

Such deep sadness

I have never felt sadness so deep in my soul as I do right now. I have had such tough times over the last six years. Bad news seems to just keep coming. I have gotten through everything that has been thrown at me so far. With the support of my husband we have picked up the pieces and moved forward. Right now though I am not sure how or if I can. In my head I believe that time will of course help but my heart, right now, is broken in to a million pieces.

I have been married for just over fourteen years now and we were together for five years before that. In nineteen years we were not able to get pregnant then IC.SI changed that and we have our beautiful daughter. By some miracle we recently found out I was pregnant. Naturally. Even though my initial reaction was being terrified due to my heart condition we were both ecstatic. This was the best news ever this was making our family complete.

Until it wasn't anymore. I started to spot but didn't think much of it at first. I spotted with E I panicked and it came to nothing. This time I was more relaxed. But the bleeding got worse. I ended up going to the hospital. They checked me over and told us that everything I had told them and the checks they had done they were happy that this was still a viable pregnancy. Again I relaxed a bit but had to return two days later for a scan to confirm all was going as it should.  When the scan was done they told us that there was no pregnancy in my uterus.

I returned to see that doctor, taken the back route. The quiet way where I wouldn't have to face other people. We cried, heartbroken. It seemed like a lifetime we sat and waited but it was probably just ten minutes.  The report from the scan showed that there was something near my cervix. The doctor offered for us to just go home and leave things happen or she could see if she could help things there and then. I opted for her to check to see if she could see anything.  One minute we were pregnant and the next it was all over.

Right now I am in limbo not sure what I should be doing. This wasn't my journey, not being able to become pregnant was our struggle. I have always said we were fortunate not to have to deal with misca.rraige. How do I move forward from this? If it wasn't for E and my husband I am not sure what I would do.  The people we have told which is just immediate family have mostly commented on how at least we know we can get pregnant now. This hurts more than I can explain in words. This may have been a one off it hasn't happened naturally before this in nineteen years who is to say it will again. Plus just to top things off with the scan they found a mass on my left hand side which now has to be investigated.

Just three more days until the next scan and hopefully more information on where we go next. For now I just need to cry, to be sad and mourn the loss of our baby.


  1. This post breaks my heart. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  2. Hugs and prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss. <3

  3. Just saw that you posted on Amber's blog that you were still reading. I wish you were still posting as well- can't believe that you haven't in three years! How are things?