Saturday, 31 December 2011

Final post of 2011

This year has gone by so quickly. I remember the struggle in 2010 to get my referral letter to the appropriate people to get me on the list for IVF. Finally on December 4th I was added. Then it seemed to take forever to get to the initial appointment with the clinic which we had in April. This was when I was told it was a 12 - 18 month wait. So just a few days in to 2012 and it will have already been 13 months!

I didn't know how I was going to get through this wait. It was such a long time. I also had my endometriosis surgery to focus on and get through. That was way back on February 15th! Almost 11 months ago.

I guess since I recovered from that I just decided to enjoy my life and what will be will be.

I joined ww at the end of June and I have lost 40lb's. Another 28lb to go but I am so much closer to that goal now. Add the fact I lost weight over Christmas week and I feel like I have achieved so so much.

In 2011 I also turned in to a bit of a telly addict. I watched Greys Anatomy from the beginning as I had never seen it before. Plus I have rewatched ER which is up to season 12 and I am on season six of One Tree Hill ( never watched this before either).

Any suggestions for other shows? I have just added The Wire into my planner as they are starting it from episode 1 on Jan 6th. Other shows I watch are Private Practise, Big Love, Blue Bloods, NCIS, Terra Nova, Falling Skies plus X Factor and American Idol. There are others I am forgetting (including Hawaii 5-0).

See what I mean!

It helps pass the time to keep busy and when I don't feel up to doing anything that involves moving too much thanks to endometriosis pain then watching tv is a great alternative.

So here's to 2012 may this be the year that those of us who want it so badly get our miracle. It has to be someones turn next fingers crossed I am in that elite list this year!

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all

Thursday, 29 December 2011

Weigh in Wednesday

Okay so it is Thursday not Wednesday. Due to the Christmas holidays most of the weigh in classes for ww were closed including my normal Wednesday evening class. My leader, however, decided that her Thursday evening class would be the one she would open and anyone could go along. So just to keep me on track and focused in this weight loss journey I went along to find out the damage, it is Christmas after all.

Christmas dinner was delicious between the two of us my DH and I managed to get it all done and on the table almost on schedule. I was aiming for two o'clock and we sat down around twenty past so not bad at all!

For some reason I didn't take any pictures when we were sat eating or afterwards when opening gifts. Strange that as we took loads of pictures last year. Oh well will have to remember to get the camera out and on the table for Christmas 2012 it will be here before we know it!

Anyway tonight weigh in. Drum roll please .................................. I lost half a lb!

Can you believe that? I was amazed, I have mentally been counting up my points every day in my head but not tracking as I would normally. Every day I enter my food on to my ww tracker and point ever single thing that passes my lips.

I guess what this shows me is that the pro points is working for me. It is teaching me how to change what I eat and how much I eat. Now I just have to have another good week.

Tomorrow we have all of DH's family here so more lovely food and then New Years Eve. After that though we are back to normal (hopefully all the chocs and nice things will be gone by then!).

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

Did you know that it is almost Christmas? 

There are so many lovely foods, chocolates and biscuits.  So many of my favourite things but I must resist.  I still want to watch those scales to continually decrease in number.  I have been giving in to temptation and indulging but in small quantities.  Obviously every single point is being accounted for.  For that reason the scales were once again kind to me and I lost another 1.5lb.

So now I have 29lb left to lose.  In 29 weeks (maximum) I will be at my initial goal.  How exciting that I feel like my goal is so achievable.  From that point I will be able to determine where I am and if I want to continue to lose.  I am not going to worry about anything past these next 29lb's.  For now I need small goals to keep me motivated and encouraged.

My ww leader commented on how "in the zone" I am.  She was spot on, as I am!  I really don't want to gain over Christmas and I will do my best to not let that happen.  Although I am realistic and if it does happen then it really is not the end of the world.  There are so many more things out there that are down right awful and gaining a small amount of weight at Christmas doesn't even come close.

Why is it that around this time of the year there always seems to be so much tragedy and heartbreak to go along with all the good stuff?  A friend of ours died on Monday, he took his own life.  It was a complete shock.  I don't think anyone expected it there had been no signs that he was thinking that way.  Plus one of my endo sisters tried to take her own life and is currently in hospital in a coma.  She needs surgery to relieve fluid from her brain.  It is devastating to me that the pain and hurt this disease causes pushed another woman to feel her life was no longer worth living. 

For any endo sister reading this, I am always here.  If you need to reach out to anyone and feel like you don't have anyone.  Well you do!  I am here and so are so many other endo sisters on all the facebook groups.  I think that one of the ladies is setting up a group with mobile numbers so that there is someone that be be contacted.  I think this is a great idea and hopefully it might just be the lifeline that someone needs one day.

Light a candle at 7pm Thursday 22nd for our endo sister and if you pray then maybe add her in.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

I wasn't very hopeful for this week. I did the best I could but it is that time of year. We went for the meal out with friends on Thursday evening. All you can eat Chinese, it was delicious. Then on Friday it was my workplace Christmas meal out and once again Chinese, all you can eat, including ice-cream for dessert, heaven!

It is amazing the difference in my choices. I avoided the fried rice and stuck with noodles. Much better in pro points plus I also prefer them. I had duck and sweet and sour chicken, spring rolls, onions rings, satay chicken, a mouthful of cheesecake a small amount of ice-cream with strawberries, marshmallows and a little chocolate off the chocolate fountain. It sounds like a lot but by sticking to small portions I was able to still have everything I wanted and still be sensible.

Saturday onwards I only had my daily pro points that was a bit of a struggle and I did slip up one day and went over by 3. Next time I will make sure I only arrange one night out in any week that way the points will last longer. But on the good side at least I now know I can do it . It is all about getting on with your life and making the life changes to sustain losses but still live and not miss out.

The reason I know I can do this and continue onwards is despite the obstacles that got in the way this week I still lost 2.5lb. I got another shiny silver 7 on my card and a lovely total of 38lb lost. I was shocked but over the moon!

I hope the rest of you who are battling to lose weight stick at it. It is a hard and long fight but if I can do this then so can you!

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

A visit to the dentist

Seriously, 33 and I am scared of the dentist!

(Courtesy of google images)

I had the ever so loved dentist appointment yesterday afternoon.  I have never been a fan of the dentist.  The smell the noise they all make me cringe.  I sit in the waiting room my anxiety at an all time high.  Why does a visit to the dentist do this to me?  I know in my head it really isn't that bad but I can not control that fear.

I had hardly been in the waiting room a minute when I was called in which was good less time to let myself stress over what was to come.  After all it was only a check up what could possibly go wrong.  I sat myself down in the chair and they put the chair back.  Instantly my eyes start to stream with tears.  It must seem like I am crying as it is so bad but I just have the most sensitive eyes (apparently that can be linked to endo as well) that as soon as I am led back and the light hits them and the tears stream.

It was a new dentist she was very nice was talking to me the whole time to let me know what she was doing.  It helped but not enough to set me right at ease.  So carried out the check up and was looking back to my x-rays that were taken 6 months ago.  There is one teeny tiny filling I have that they are worried may have decay behind it.  Six months ago when the x-rays were done the dentist decided it was fine but this time they want to take the filling out and check behind it.  If there is decay then they caught it quickly and no more damage can be done.  I f there is not decay then it cost me money and caused even more anxiety than was ever needed.

I would love to ignore them and not make the follow up appointment.  Common sense, however, tells me to man up and just get it over and done with.  Then if there is decay it will save toothache down the line and an emergency appointment to get it sorted.

They also did a scale and polish while I was there which left my teeth feeling lovely and clean.  I wish just brushing could do this but it never as good.  Then it was time to check my gums.  I have been mentioning to the dentist since February 2009 that my gums tend to bleed, a lot!  In the past they have been happy that everything was okay and it must be the treatment that I was on at the time.  It probably was as I was on Lup.ron at that time.

Yesterday they decided to tell me that at 33 I have the beginning of gum disease.  Seriously I almost choked.  Isn't 33 too young for gum disease?  I guess not.  As it is just the beginnings and in one specific area she was happy that if I get flossing that it should calm it down.  I have never flossed and now I am kind of regretting it.  It wasn't anything that we were told to do when we were growing up so I guess I never really thought it was needed.  Last night I went and got myself floss and got started this morning.  I forgot all about it last night.

So that's all the news from the ever so enjoyable dentist visit.  Now I just have to book the appointment. Does someone want to come and hold my hand?

And Yes I blame the Lup.ron.  I never had problems with my teeth or gums before I was put on it.  Anyone reading this who is on Lup.ron or may go on it in the future make sure you take a calcium supplement to help keep the teeth and bones from suffering any consequences.  I only wish I had known that before I started treatment.

Thursday, 8 December 2011

It's been a year! (Weigh In Wednesday)

I had to fight hard to get what I wanted and what we needed.  Why I had to fight so hard I have no idea.  After seven years of no birth control and not a single pregnancy I wanted my doctor's to listen to me and get me on the list for IVF.  Here in the UK I am able to have two rounds of IVF on the NHS.  It won't cost me a penny.  I believe that one cycle consists of a fresh cycle plus and FET if there are enough fertilised eggs.  So if I am right there are four chances for us to become pregnant.

I realised last night that it has been just over a year since I was added to the waiting list.  See there is a downside to getting it free you also have to wait your turn.  You get seen in the order that you are added to the list.  So December 4th was the one year point.  When I had my appointment back in April I was told that it was a 12 - 18 month wait.  Going by everything else within the NHS I knew it was going to be longer so I have told myself that 18 months would be great but to be prepared to wait two years.

If it does turn out that two years is the correct timing then I am halfway there.  I can wait another 12 months.  It of course will be hard we are not getting any younger!  J turns 40 in 2012.  I feel like we will be the oldest parent ever.

Of course we won't but when all your old school friends all have children who are closer to ten years old than babies it makes you feel left so far behind everything.

I know that being an older mum will be beneficial in so many ways.  I have learnt so much more patience.  I have watched what my sisters do with there children and know which parts I will not do with mine and which I will.

Plus last night was Weight Watchers!

After last weeks stall this week was back to better news! Another 1lb off. This is a tough time of the year with so many parties and meals out.  I have a meal out with some of our good friends tonight and then it is my works Christmas meal tomorrow night.  For both we are going to all you can eat Chinese buffets.  Chinese is my favourite but I will make wise choices to limit any damage done.  I won't deprive myself I can still enjoy the food but like I have said before it is all a balancing to act.

I am sure I will be fine and if not then the following week it will be better.

Just quickly I want to say a big Congratulations to a fellow blogger friend of mine on the birth of her beautiful son!  I am so pleased for her and her husband that her gorgeous son Ian Andrew is here.

Congratulations Princess Wahna Bea Mama over at The princess and the peestick

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Weigh in Wednesday

Okay so I am a day late.  Better late than never though right?

This week wasn't so great, but I am okay with that.  On Monday J and I went Christmas shopping.  Still a little early to feel completely christmassy.  All our shopping is completed we have got every ones gifts so now I just have to get the wrapping paper and get them all wrapped.  I am sure the presents will be waiting for the tree to go up.

While we were out we decided to eat out and I have been craving Nando's since we were first introduced to the restaurant back in July on our weekend in London.  It was delicious but high in points!  We also decided to have a bit of a liquid lunch.  We never do this but it was lovely to just sit and talk, while having a drink, just the two of us.  We haven't done anything like that in years.

Yesterday all public sector workers were on strike due to the government changing so much with pensions.  Why do governments always take from the poor but keep giving to the rich.  The divide gets bigger and bigger.  So anyway the point about the strikes is the ww meeting is held at a school.  The school was shut so we weighed in on Tuesday.  After my liquid lunch and Nando's on Monday I wasn't holding out too much hope.  I was dreading a gain and the tell tale circle drawn around the number.  Although not great under the circumstances I had a good result. 


So on to this week, staying on track pointing everything that passes my lips.  Hopefully that extra day will pay dividends and I will have a fantastic loss this week.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

The Liebster Blog Award

I have been very honored to be awarded the Liebster Blog Award by a fellow blogger! I am overwhelmed and a little in shock.

I started this blog to keep myself sane. Dealing with endometriosis and infertility because of it is a hard journey to travel. There are many blogs I follow but just a handful where I feel the need to keep reading and genuinely look forward to hearing how life is and worry when it has been too long between posts. Sometimes I think that is a little silly when I have never met these people and likely never will. But I feel like these women could be me and I have so much in common with them.

Thank you to Endo Joanna of Living With Endo who was so thoughtful to think of me and my blog when having to choose just 5 people to pass this on to.

Liebster is a German word which means "dearest" or "beloved". It is also used to refer to someone's "favorite" and the idea of the Liebster Blog Award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers that deserve more recognition and encouragement.

The rules are fairly simple:

1. Thank the giver of the award and link back to their blog!

2. Choose 5 of your top bloggers (hard to do) and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog!

3. Paste the award on your blog!

So here are my picks for the Liebster Blog Award:

1. Pschall @ endoconfessions

2. Princess Wahna Bea Mama @ Theprincessandthepeestick

3. Sonja @ Themudandlotus

4. Christina @ 2scompany3safamily

5. Diana @ Bunlessintheoven

Choosing just 5 was tough! There are so many of you out there that have amazing blogs full of brilliant advice and information. Keep up the great work all of you. If there are any blogs I am not following that you think I would like to follow then please let me know. Post a link in a comment and I shall take a look.

Keep it going ladies and thank you all for sharing and creating such an amazing blogging community!

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Weigh In Wednesday

It has been a week since I last posted. I must get better at blogging!

Anyway tonight was weigh in and look what I got.

I did it! 1.5lb lost which got me my ww 10% and a new total weight loss of 34.5lb. Now I have to decide what my next target should be. I guess the easiest would be to get to a 3 stone loss which is 42lb so 7.5lb to go. That sounds like a good no. And with 4 more weigh in's before christmas it is also very acievable.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Weigh in Wednesday

If you didn't know already Wednesday is my weigh in day at weight watchers.  So from today onwards I will be posting a short and sweet post to let you all know how I have done.

This week I lost 2lb's.  Which means I am just 1.5 lb away from passing the halfway mark.  As it happens the next 1.5lb loss means that since I joined weight watchers I will have lost 10% of my body weight.

Onwards and downwards!

Friday, 11 November 2011


A day of remembrance.

With two family members in the army, this year feels like we should help bring more awareness for what our men and women do for our freedom.

Lest We Forget

What do we forget when we remember
What are the stories left untold
What do we think each November
As we march down that glory road
As we march down that gory road

One hundred million
Don’t come home from war
Another eight hundred million
Who lived to bear its scar
Who lived to bear its scar

Lest we forget
What they were dying for
Lest we forget
What they were killing for
Lest we forget
What the hell it was for
What do we forget when we remember…

Owen Griffiths

A Wish
Maybe it is pointless
To wish for lasting peace
For all mankind to lay down arms
For all fighting to cease

I could despair of seeing
Peace throughout the land
No longer hearing talk of war
Blood mixed with desert sand

We do not have the tolerance
For cultures not our own
Seeds fly on an ill wind
From beds where they are sown

Hope lies in a child's heart
Not yet turned to stone
A mind free of prejudice
A child not alone

If all children of the world
Held each others hand
They could do what we could not
Make a Brotherhood of Man.

Maxine Kendall
Burlington, Ontario, Canada. Maxine Kendall was born in the UK

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Weight loss

I love weight watchers pro points!

I am losing weight slowly but it is steadily coming off.  The pro points system suits me down to the ground.  I can eat what I want when I want as long as I count all my points.  Easy!  Well most of the time it is easy other times it is a struggle to stay within the daily allowance.  Although that is what I am loving about this is that you also get a weekly allowance to use anytime you want.  I tend to keep mine for the weekend and have a chinese.

I started out on 36 dailies and 49 weeklies.  With the 20.5lbs I have lost since starting weight watchers I have lost 3 of those daily points but I still get all the weeklies (you never lose them they are for everyone).  It is all a balancing act.  Eating healthily but still having the things you enjoy throughout the week keeps me in check.

For instance yesterday I ate a cadbury's crunchie which was 5pp and it was worth every single one of them.  I logged into ww online and logged it in.  Altogether yesterday I used 38pp so that was all of my allocation of 33 dailies (which you have to use) plus I used 5 from my weekly allowance.

(Courtesy of google images)

Anyway enough about weightwatchers.  Couch to 5k is going great I am starting week 4 tonight.  I am not getting 3 workouts in 7 days done more like every 10 - 12 days.  It is definitely getting easier though and I am actually loving getting out and running.  The fact the clocks went back last weekend is an issue though as I used to run on the canal but with it being so dark so early now I am not going to be doing this anymore.  I now have to use the roads!  My issue with that is people will see me.  I know how stupid that sounds but I am still very overweight and probably look a right site.  Why oh why do we have to be self conscious.

I will persevere and get on with it though because I am enjoying it and don't want to stop plus it helps with the weight loss obviously.

I almost forgot I have signed up to Park Run and this Saturday morning I will be doing 5k.  Not necessarily running it all but I will complete it and then I will have a time to beat and will hopefully improve every time.  Park Run is every Saturday morning at 9am and although I would rather stay in bed I also can't wait to get out and do it.  I am guessing at some point during the 5k I will be less enthused if I remember I will take my camera and get some pictures.

My ticker up there at the top of the page is almost half way and I would be over the moon if I got to the halfway point with my next weigh in.  So I will be working my butt off this week to try and get another big loss of 3.5lb unlikely but I may as well try right, what I have got to lose?  Apart from the 3lb I mean :)

Monday, 10 October 2011

I found out from Facebook!

If it weren't for the fact that Facebook has so many positives for me I would most definitely close down my account.  I am a member of numerous groups on there all aimed at support and advice for women with endometriosis and all members are women with endo themselves.  I have made a lot of friends this way who know exactly what I go through on a day to day basis because it is there life to.

But this weekend my cousin announced that her pregnancy was going great.  I had no idea she was pregnant and I was really happy for her.  I was a little worried that she may have problems like me as I thought that it was that side of the family that this disease was affecting.  I am glad she hasn't had to deal with any of this.

Okay so you may be wondering what the issue is?  Well it is the fact that she is 20 weeks pregnant and not one member of my family thought it might be a good idea to tell me.  I don't think they purposely didn't tell me they just never brought it up.  I may just be oversensitive (okay not maybe I AM). But really if it were the other way around and one of my sister's, or any family member for that matter, were dealing with infertility I would make sure they knew and that they were okay.

Anyway I am glad that she is pregnant and I am over the moon that all is going well.  Why can't people just have more tact and thoughtfulness.  I am sure I have been guilty of this in the past in other situations.  I just thought my family especially my sister's would have thought more about my feeling's than that.

Okay moan over, I feel better to get it off my chest.  So here is to two new babies joining the family in the next 4 months.

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Where did September go?

Okay so I was away on holiday for two weeks.  But September has flown by.  Saturday moves us in to October and I really can't believe the whole month has passed so quickly.

My Nan turned 80 this week.  So I guess with the celebrations and having family staying the time has been fun and gone too fast.  I feel like today we are back to normal, the same old boring routine.  Although I am thankful as my energy levels seriously can't keep up when there is so much going on.  I am also thankful to have the family time, celebrating 80 years young with the people I care about most.

There were people who couldn't make it and they were most definitely missed.  It was a shame not to have everyone together all at once.

My holiday was exactly what we both needed.  J and I spent 14 days of pure relaxation lazing on a sunbed next to the pool.  It was just what we both needed time to rest, relax and recharge.  I will upload some pictures from home we had a beautiful view of the sea from our balcony.

The downside of all that rest and relaxation meant it was three weeks between ww weigh in's.  Although I was pretty pleased in that over those three weeks I gained 5lb's.  All inclusive for two whole weeks with as much food and rink as I wanted so just over 1.5lb gained per week is amazing for me.  The past week I have done my best to get back into it and started off well.  Sunday (the day of celebrations) there was buffet food and I found it almost impossible not to pick.  But weigh in last night was A.MA.ZING!  I had managed to lose 5.5lb.  My body must have been in a great mood I don't think I have ever lost that much in work before.

Anyways now I am just rambling on so will love and leave you but will be back soon probably in October as it is only 2 days away. 

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Couch to 5k

Anyone heard of it?  Or any of you doing this?

I started on Monday.  I decided my weight loss needed some exercise to go with it.  I guess after my last post where I said I wasn't exercising it made me realise that I really should be and using my holiday as an excuse to put off starting was feeble.  It will help with my weight loss but it will also help with my health in general.

I was worried I wouldn't be able to get through the week 1 workout.  From no regular form of exercise for three years to actually starting a routine and sticking with it.  It is going to be tough but I am determined.  So Monday off I went brisk 5 minute walk to warm up then jogging for 60 seconds alternating with 90 seconds of walking and then a final 5 minute walk to cool down.  It was just under thirty minutes in total so it also didn't take up a massive amount of time.

Week 1 workout 2 was completed last night and workout 3 is planned for tomorrow.  Week two is similar but the length of time jogging increases to 90 seconds alternating with 2 minute walks.  I am going to repeat week 1 as I am then off on holiday for two weeks so won't be doing it then.  Hopefully when I get home it will feel easier when I again have decided to repeat week 1 and depending on how I feel after that week depends if I then repeat once more or move up.

The workout intends to get you from the couch to jogging 5k in 9 weeks.  I am sure if I were slimmer than I am 9 weeks would feel so much easier to achieve.  I really don't mind how long it takes me I just want to feel like I am doing something and improving each time.  It is so simple to follow.  The weekly workouts are listed online or you can download an app on to your phone.  I downloaded C25K Lite which was free and all you have to do is press start and then the phone bleeps each time you have to switch between walking and jogging, easy, and it is over before you know it.

Anyone looking for something new or who want to start jogging but need to build fitness I recommend this as it is simple and you build up your strength week to week.  Plus the weeks are not set in stone if you feel like you are not ready to move up then you don't have to.

PS check out my ticker way up the top there.  Another 2lb down this week.  That makes 22.5lb in total which means I am 1/3rd through my weight loss here is to the next 23lb's.  I am feeling so motivated right now and can't wait to reach my goal.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Weight loss update

I am sure we are all the same when it comes to losing weight. It can never come off fast enough right?

I have to get the weight off to be able to proceed with IVF. I may have until May 2012 but it is also possible we hit the top of the list before that. Unless my BMI is 30 or less they will not let us have treatment. I am terrified of failing before I even get to have treatment. I have lost the weight in the past and then gained it all back again. I know deep down that I can do this and I want to do this.

So far I have had one week where I stayed the same but have lost every other week. I am doing okay with it until this week where I have not tracked my food. I have to keep track of what I eat to be able to lose this weight. I am dreading getting on those scales on Wednesday. Who am I kidding I dread the scales every week even when I know I have been angelic.

All I can do is track from today stay within my allowance until Wednesday and keep my fingers crossed that as I am aware of what I am eating I haven't gone over my points allowance the past few days.

68.5lbs seemed so daunting but now I am 20.5 lbs down that is almost 1/3rd off already. I have to remember to think about the positives and not the 48lbs left to lose.

I am off on holiday n two weeks time. That will be a challenge! Two weeks all inclusive all the food and drink we want for two whole weeks. Hopefully there will be healthy choices that I like, I am such a fussy eater lol. Although as it is a holiday I have resigned myself to the fact that I will likely gain weight but I will keep it to a minimum! I will swim and walk every day which will help.

I have downloaded the couch to 5k app on to my phone. Once home from holiday I plan on using it. I hate to run but I have to do something as right now when it comes to exercise I am being extremely lazy. I read my blogger friends posts over at endo confessions and I am in awe of her. I will never be the athlete she is but she inspires me to get off my butt.

For anyone else trying to lose weight stick with it it will come off eventually.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

London calling

As promised I am back and here to let you see the pictures from out weekend in London.  It was a great weekend although my feet were certainly glad to be home and back in the slower pace of life.

We travelled up by train which was great we sat back and relaxed and it took around 2 hours much quicker than I though it would be.  Our hotel was in Covent Garden so once we arrived at Paddington we headed for the underground and made our way to Covent Garden.  The hotel was walking distance from the tube but we had no clue which direction.  I spotted a map and once we had looked at that off we went nice and easy.  We were at the hotel about five minutes later.  We got checked in unpacked and headed straight back out.

Our niece lives in London so we headed the 45 minute journey out to see her.  She wasn't expecting us and used a few expletives when she realised it was us on her doorstep.  We got a tour of her house and sat and chatted for a couple of hours.  Then we headed out for something to eat and I had my first meal at Nando's it was fantastic.  As it was getting on we headed back in to the city centre.  We decided to make our way to Leicester Square.  It was busy!! Lots of shops and they were still open at 10pm at night it was strange but great to be able to look around even at that time.

This is picture I took which was between Leicester Square and Piccadilly Circus.  It was dark and I was a little disoriented.  How good was the timing, a great message up on the big screens!  Plus there were four or five theatres all in a row.

On the Saturday we had decided to go over to Camden Market.  We loved it there!  It was so much bigger than we had expected.  We walked for hours looking at the clothes and all the different things being sold on the stalls.  There were so many different food stalls too all trying to get you to eat there food.  I tried some beef meal off one of them and it was delicious and definitely tempted me to actually buy a whole dish.  The shops all had major decoration on the outside.  I would recommend anyone to visit we would have stayed longer if we hadn't had to get back for the show that evening.

See what I mean!

Before the show we got a drink in a pub just around the corner from the theatre when we realised where we were.

Then we were off to see the Wizard at the London Palladium.

I will be back tomorrow with more pictures and what we did on the Sunday and Monday!

PS Did you see I lost 2lb's woohoo

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Round 3

It has been almost a month since I last posted.  I haven't really known what to post but here it goes.

As I am on Round three of Clomid, obviously round two was unsuccessful!  My cycle did however go back up to 28 days with Ovulation on day 18.  This means my Luteal Phase still isn't long enough!  I decided to try once more with my GP so went ahead and made an appointment.  I wish I hadn't as I came from there wanting to kill her.  Why do doctors have to be so patronising.  I know myself and I know my body.  Apparently if my cycle was 28 days then I "ovulated on day 14 don't you know it has been that way for millions of years" seriously I could have puncher her right then and there.  It really is a good job I have learnt how to keep cool when hormones take over.  According to my blood test result I may have Ovulated as it was only 18.  It should be at least 30 to show Ovulation.

I asked if a Progesterone supplement would help.  It was suggested to me on a fertility board I use.  Many of the women there are on Clomid and have short LP's for which they have been prescribed cyclogest which is the commonly used progesterone medication here.  Dr B said that if she gave me progesterone it would be like giving me birth control and she didn't want to do that.  So all the fertility doctors must be crazy then, right?  After this visit I have decided not to see them about TTC anymore.  I will go in for my Day 21 blood tests and pick up the results from the reception.  I really do not need the added stress of being treated so badly.

In other news J and I have had a weekend in London.  I have loads of pics but they are at home and I am posting from work right now.  I will blog about that weekend tomorrow from home and include lots of pictures.

Weight loss is going really well as you can see in my ticker.  I am off to weight watchers tonight so hopefully it will be even better.  I will update the ticker after my meeting tonight as it is quick and easy.  I am hoping to get from the 15.5lb to 18lb loss.  I have everything crossed.

Monday, 4 July 2011

Round 2

Of Clomid isn't going so great.

Today is Cd16 and Ovualtion seems to be non existant. I am frustrated to say the least!

I am struggling right now but thought i ought to come and post. Promise to be back soon x

Saturday, 11 June 2011

In the meantime

While we wait for IVF we are giving clomid a chance.  As I use OPK's I believe I have ovulated every month although late in my cycle which then gives me a short luteal phase.  I was O on CD18/19 so with my cycle being 26/28 days it made my luteal phase only 8 - 10 days long.  As your luteal phase should be a minimum of 10 days I am seeing this as being a problem and hoping that the clomid may help rectify it.

(Courtesy of Google images)

I was prescribed 50mg of clomid to be taken day CD3-7 for the next six months.  I have taken the first batch and I have had some side effects but nothing major.  Headaches have been the worst and I have noticed them as I don't normally suffer with headaches.  I had what I believed was ovulation pain for four or five days. The pain stopped the day after I got my positive OPK.

Ovulation was Thursday so I am just two days into my two week wait.  How do I get through the next two weeks?  I wish I had a good answer to that!  I just have to carry on as normal and try not to dwell on things too much.  Luckily this next week is quite busy.  Besides working full time, Monday I am having my haircut then going to my endo meeting, Tuesday dh and I have a date (we are going to see Pirates of the Caribbean), Wednesday I am going to see Take That in concert and then Thursday I will be halfway through these two weeks!

On the weight loss front I am 8lb's down. I am not doing brilliantly at this!  But I am going with my sister to the gym tomorrow.  I worry that if I may be in with a chance of a bfp this month I don't want to do anything strenuous that will hurt that in any way.  So I will be taking it easy but at least I will be up and active and getting my butt moving again.  Here goes nothing lets get that scale moving downwards again.

Monday, 6 June 2011

The next step

I had an appointment with my specialist on May 23rd.  It wasn't really good news and have put off blogging about it.  I needed time to get my head around what they told me.  I wasn't in a good place but I am moving forward and getting on with life.  What else can you do?

My appointment was at 11.15am so I went to work as normal for 8am.  It was a Monday and Monday's are, for me, just like the song manic.  I got 2 hours worth of work done which I know would make the rest of the week easier for me.  J picked me up at 10am and we drove to the hospital.  We have only ever been to this hospital once and we were taking a different route this time.  It was only a 30 minute journey at the very most so we had plenty of time. I always get nervous about being late though.  Luckily this route was easy and we made it with 30 minutes to spare even after finding somewhere to park which was no easy feat.

As we were early we had a bit of a wait.  We never go in to appt.'s on time, ever!  We got called in around noon, which isn't bad just 45 minutes late.  The downside it was not my specialist.  I probably should have insisted that I see him but I gave this female doctor a chance first.  She was actually really helpful and informative and I found out more from her that I had from anyone else.  I had a list of questions and I got answers to all of them.  They weren't necessarily the answers I was expecting to hear but at least now I know where we stand.

When I woke up from surgery I felt great.  The shoulder pain had gone and I felt amazing as seen as I had just been through a gruelling operation.  The pain came back pretty quickly I have been trying to ignore it, but, it is there.  The shoulder pain comes and goes and isn't constant so there is some improvement with that.  The back pain has also reduced but is still there from time to time.  The fatigue is as ever present as it always has been.  My cycle is heavy as usual but not quite so clotty.  The normal pelvic/ovary pain is there throughout my cycle but worse in the days leading up to the start.

Even though my surgery lasted a lot longer than I had been booked in for they had still been unable to remove everything.  My right hand side was so badly adhered they didn't touch it as they were worried about damage to my bowel.  At this appt. I found out that when they had looked in that area and assessed it they had left well enough alone as if they had tried to unstick the tissue then they would have most definitely perforated my bowel.  Bowel perforation would have meant a colostomy bag.  I am so pleased I woke up without one of those.  I was not prepared for that and if it had actually been a reality at the time I do not think I would have coped with it.  If I had advance warning that it was a high probability I would have prepared my self for it and it would not have then been a shock.

There were other areas of endometriosis that were not removed and they were also left due to the worry over my bowel.  I have a lot of bowel area stuck to places it should not be stuck.  No wonder I am always in so much pain especially when using the bathroom!   The fact that we had expressed that fertility was a major issue for us was what the doctors used during the surgery.  If we had already completed our family and no longer wanted children I am sure they would have been much more aggressive and removed everything possible.  To preserve my fertility they did what they could for now and I will be having further surgery at some point in the next few years.

I have to get through the next 12 months get to the top of that IVF waiting list and pray that we have a sucessful outcome.  I am once again playing a waiting game.  I wish we could afford to pay for treatment and just get on with things but all things come to those who wait.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Spare a minute

and read this blog post.

Raising Ransom

and if you have a few spare pennies think about donating.  My youngest niece has EB.  It is an awful condition and I can only imagine how much pain these two sweet boys are in while they don't get the medical attention the need and deserve.  Now I must go and work out how to donate!

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

It should have been great news

I feel guilty.  Guilty because even though I am happy I am also jealous and maybe even a little sad.

J was working lates last night.  The phone rang and I let the machine get it.  It was my mother in law.  I thought nothing of it as she always gets J's shifts wrong.  Then my mobile rang and it was J.  He started off by saying that he didn't know whether to tell me over the phone or face to face.  Obviously it was already too late to wait until face to face.  I am guessing the reason he went ahead over the phone was because of the hours we are working.  I won't actually see him face to face until Friday afternoon so it would have been a 48 hour wait.

So the news, you have probably guessed part of it.  I already had that feeling in the pit of my stomach of what was coming next.  My niece and her husband are 8 weeks pregnant.  It should have been good news.  It is good news.  They were married in November and within 4 months they have a baby on the way.  There is to be a new addition to the family.  I am going to be a great aunt!

The family where all really worried about telling me.  They all know our situation.  I feel sad that they didn't feel able to share the news without the worry of upsetting me.  Of course I am upset but I wish I could put into words to them how I feel.  I cried when J told me but I think in that moment it was both because I was sad it wasn't my news to be shared and the fact that no one wanted to upset me. 

How do you deal with the emotions?  I need advice and support right now.  Are these emotions normal?  Or am I just being dramatic?  Sometimes I think I drive myself crazy for no reason.

Just to be clear, I am happy for them, I just wish it was my turn.  Is that too much to ask?

Monday, 16 May 2011

Birthday meal

Firstly it has been a while I haven't known what to write about.  Even when I did have something I didn't know how to say it.  So I am just going to do my best!

It was my sisters birthday and she decided to go out for a meal with friends.  So there were the three of us sisters plus five friends all of who have children with one being pregnant with number two.  I was dreading it to say the least I almost pulled out and was going to tell her I was ill.  I felt like it would talking about the kids all night long which would have made me feel like a failure and just rubbed in my face the fact that I am an infertile. 

Believe it or not my one sister has no tact when it comes to this issue in fact she is downright mean.  I don't think it is intentional she has three children and has no idea what it is like to be me.  Sometimes the things she says in front of me sting.  I have tried to speak to her about it in the past to no avail.  Now I try to just ignore what she says.  Of course it hurts but I can't let her get to me I have enough going on in my life without letting in any negativity that just isn't needed.

My other sister is supportive but she still says the wrong things.  The difference is she is well intentioned but I just wish she would be quiet.  I do not need to know about her friends friends sister who wasn't able to get pregnant and now by some miracle is pregnant.  It isn't my miracle, I do not know them and I do not care that they are now pregnant.  I am sorry if that sounds harsh.  If it were someone I knew, someone who's journey I have been a tiny teeny little part of, then of course I would be ecstatic.

I actually have two IF "friends" who have had there BFP very recently and even though I have never met them and they really are not my friends I am over the moon for them both.  I pray they both have happy and healthy nine months.  IF is so tough some days are better than others of course but it is one of those things that is in your face constantly. 

The meal itself wasn't that great and I wouldn't go back to that restaurant.  However I did get to catch up with an old friend.  We don't see each other very often but we grew up together, we were neighbours and were with each other almost every day.  She is six months younger than me and has three children aged three and under.  It was nice to catch up and we talked about old times and what we used to get up to.  Yes of course talk about the children came up but it wasn't the main topic of discussion. 

We laughed right through the evening it turned out okay in the end.  I managed to avoid direct talk of children with anyone.  One pregnant and one with a fifteen week old did get more things in but I was okay.  Did I have pangs of jealousy of course I did, I wouldn't be human if I didn't, but I was fine although relieved to get to go home.

Just one other thing I have been having problems posting comments for a while.  I am reading blogs and will post as soon as I am able.  I have not yet checked today so that is next on my list to do!

Monday, 25 April 2011

Glorious weather and a lazy weekend

It is hard to believe that it is still only April.  The weather here is normally wet and grey.  To be having glorious blue skies and it being hot already is almost unheard of.  I am most definitely not complaining it really does make a nice change.  According to the forecast it is going to be nice right up through Thursday.  Friday though is not so great, rain is on it's way, I guess that is about right though with a royal wedding that day.

As it is a holiday weekend I have had a lovely 4 days straight off work.  It doesn't happen very often and yet this week I am only in work 3 days as it is happening all over again next weekend.  Thanks to Wills and Kate getting married we get a paid day off work, how cool is that.  An extra days holiday is always welcomed.  On the bonus side I have booked next week off work and we are going to have a five day getaway.  Only two hours away but a break from home and work.  Recharge the batteries get some hiking in and use the fantastic leisure facilities which include a lazy river!  We can hire a golf buggy to use on the site if we want but I want to walk help shift these pounds.  By the way I am another 4lb's down, even when I don't post I will do my best to remember to update my ticker.

We have had quite a lazy weekend.  Friday we went out and did a bit of shopping, nothing exciting, mostly toiletries and household things.  At one point I thought the good old endo pain was going to disrupt things.  Luckily it was just a flash of pain,  I must have gotten out of the car awkwardly and the left ovary screamed for a couple of seconds.  It was overcast but still warm so when we got home we got our patio furniture out and put the bar bq on. Makes my life easier J does all the cooking and I clean up afterwards which is quick and easy all done and loaded in the dishwasher in five minutes.  In the evening we decided to stay in so we caught up on TV we had sky+'ed. 

I had a lovely lie in but not too late seems silly to waste the good weather in bed.  Some of Saturday was spent cleaning the house and pottering around the garden.  I am not good in heat so I came indoors for a while.  I decided to take a nap.  I didn't manage sleep but it was nice to just lie on the bed in the cool.  As it was obvious I wasn't going to sleep I watched a bit of TV.  Later in the evening as it was a friends birthday and we went around and had chinese food at there house.  A few drinks and a good gossip and it was soon 11pm.  I had started yawning at 9pm!

Yesterday I caught up with all the blogs I read.  I love catching up with what is happening with everyone.  I love the support I get here and when I can I try to support those who need it as well.  Sometimes that is hard when you haven't been where they are now.  I also know it could be somewhere I am in the future and to know that I have been a part of someone else's journey gives me hope for how I react in my journey, that there is no right or wrong, and that there will always be someone who can relate and can offer support.  After dinner which J once again cooked we went out for a few drinks.  I got to catch up with friend's and I even got to cwtch baby R, she is so small and absolutely gorgeous.  Plus I did not get emotional at all, breakthrough (or just a good day).

Today has flown by and I feel like I did nothing.  I did get up later than normal and watch TV and read quite a lot.  I guess time just has a way of slipping past unnoticed.  It is now almost 10pm and I am back in work tomorrow.  Time for me to get some well earned sleep.  Have I told I like to sleep?  I like to sleep as much as I can.   Seriously my life seems so boring but I like it just the way it is.  Well, almost there is just person missing (maybe two), then life would be perfect!

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Such a let down

Sorry for not posting sooner.  Mondays appointment at the IVF clinic was a bit of a let down.  I really am no wiser now than I was before then.  We were called in to see the doctor who flicked through our forms and asked questions as she did.  They didn't have J's SA results which, as it is the same clinic, you would think they would have them on file and easily accessible.  Obviously things are not that simple.

I explained about my endometriosis and the two surgeries I had had and due to the fact that most of my right ovary was removed they did an internal ultrasound and a blood test to check my ovarian reserve (AMH).  Giving blood was easy the phlebotomist was very good and got the vein first go and hardly left a mark.  Normally they struggle to get blood from me and I end up with numerous needle sticks and a large bruise.  The ultrasound however was a different story!  To say it was painful is an understatement.  The reason for the pain was that there is a cyst on my left ovary. Seriously. Nine weeks after excision and I have a cyst.

I am hoping that the cyst will naturally disappear.  I guess time will tell with that.  The blood gets sent to Glasgow for testing and I have no idea how or when or even if I will get the results.  As it is Easter I am going to give it a couple of weeks and then call them.  I don't think I can stand not knowing.  If I have no eggs then we can get on with other options.  The next step for us which we have talked a lot about is adoption.  I would rather know and move on now than wait 12 months when we will likely get to the top of the IVF list to be told.

(Courtesy of Google images)

The one thing I was told was that I have to lose a lot of weight.  If I don't then treatment would not go ahead.  I already knew that and as you all know my first week of healthy eating I lost 3lb's.  Tomorrow I weigh again and hopefully I will get another 3lb.  I find it extremely hard to lose weight even though I have so much to lose.  So a slow and steady weight loss is what I am aiming for.  In total I have to lose 68lb to get to the heaviest healthy weight they will allow treatment to commence.  I am going to look for a ticker that I can put here.  You are all needed to keep me on track and if I have a ticker you can keep up with how things are going.

Monday, 18 April 2011

In less than two hours time.......

My dearest husband and I have our first appointment at the IVF clinic.  The forms are almost completed I just have to get J to sign the bottom of his pages and we are good to go.  I have our passports as identification and we both got new passport photos done for them to stick on our file.  This is to identify us at each appointment after today.  Makes sense really otherwise anyone could turn up as say they are us.

It is Monday which is wages day in work.  I was in the bosses office when one of our employees came up with his form for his paternity pay.  The boss asked lots of question, was it a boy or girl, what did they weigh, what have named them.  I of course said Congratulations and promptly left the room!  I fought back tears.  I am normally okay with people who I am not close to.  I guess this appointment this afternoon may be making me nervous.  Plus I am ovulating today!  Why oh why can't things just be simple and happen naturally.

Also after one week of healthy eating and a little (really little) exercise I have lost 3lb's!  I am happy with that and hopefully will get the same loss again this week.  It is hard sitting at a desk all day long although I do try to go downstairs as many times as possible throughout the eight hours I am here.  Maybe J will help me out tonight and keep me company on a walk.  The sun is shining so as long as work hasn't worn him out today I am sure he will be up for it.

I will try and update as soon as I can on how the appointment goes.  Wish me luck!

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Form filling

I had an email from my husband saying that a large envelope had arrived for me with private and confidential on it.  I asked him to open it up and let me know what was in it.  He emailed back to say it was from the IVF clinic.  A lot of forms that need to be filled in.  It is amazing how something like form filling makes you feel so good.  I finally feel like things are real and are truly going to happen.

Today I have had fruit and a small bowl of cereal for breakfast.  For lunch I have just eaten some chicken with low fat mayonnaise on crisp bread and the rest of the fruit.  I even got a comment off my boss about how nice the fruit looked.  Tonight for dinner we are having gammon and I have veggies to go with it.  Today the exercise starts.  J is taking me out for a walk.  When I say walk I mean Hike.  I will take my camera and if it is clear and not raining I will take some pictures and post them up for you.

Only 4 days to go!

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

IVF appointment on Monday

That's Monday coming just six days away.  It took us so long, and a hard fight, to get on the list and now we finally have our initial appointment.  We get to find out what could possibly happen and when.  I am excited, nervous and terrified all at once.  I have googled and read information about IVF but there is so much out there and it is all so confusing.  There are so many different options IUI, ICSI, IVF and then the medications so many choices.  I wish I knew what was best for us and which medications I will be given hopefully Monday will bring at least a little clarity for us.

The one big thing that I do know is that I need to lose weight to be considered a healthy weight for the treatment to go ahead.  I need to lose at least seventy pounds and I am hoping to maybe even lose a hundred!  I went to the shop on the way home and stocked up on fruits and veggies.  I bought pomegranate seeds to try but they were disgusting.  I have also bought raspberries, strawberries, tangerines, kiwi, passion fruit, blueberries, grapes, apples and bananas.  I have yogurt (I hate yogurt but thought I would give it another go) for breakfast and I am going to add some fruit rather than having cereals.  That means less milk in my diet which the endo diet says is good.  Apparently dairy causes inflammation.

I am such a fussy eater and I know I will struggle to find a variety of foods to keep me going and not get bored.  I have made a batch of veggie soup which I will take to work tomorrow which cuts out bread.  Anyone who has suggestions for me I will really appreciate them.  I will just say though that I hate salad! I can cope with a little lettuce and cucumber but that's it.  I will eat most meats and I like potato, rice and pasta. 

I also have to work out some sort of exercise routine that will fit into my day but that won't drain me of the little energy I have.  There are only so many spoons to last any one day.  I have been making them last the past few weeks although some nights I can't wait to get in to bed.  I will have to work out some way of stretching them a little further.  If you are wondering why on earth I am going on about spoon's then read this The spoon theory . For some reason the actual website it is from isn't working so I will post that for you as well.  It is .  Hopefully it will be back up and working soon.

So here goes the start of my weight loss to get to a healthy weight to get this IVF cycle off to a great start.  I have plenty of time thank goodness as they say from referral to start of treatment is approximately eighteen months.  Our referral date is December 3rd 2010 which means we are looking at May 2012.  You all have permission to nag me and keep on at me to get this weight off.  I need as much help and support in this as I can get.  Here's to working out what exercise I can fit in and actually achieve without causing too much pain.  Wish me luck.

Monday, 4 April 2011

April already

A quarter of the year over and done with.  Wasn't it just Christmas and New Years?  Time seems to pass so quickly and yet so slowly all at once.  When I look back it seems like things were just last week yet when I am waiting for something it seems to take forever to arrive.  I have been quiet of late.  The reason for this is nothing other than life being busy.  I have had a great few weeks. 

Surgery was seven weeks ago tomorrow the iv entry wounds have healed but are still very noticeable.  Externally my incisions are great unless I scratch and catch the one which then irritates me for hours.  Internally I wish I knew what was happening!  Excision surgery was supposed to make things better and while they are not worse I don't feel like things are better either.  As I said in my last short but sweet (complaining and sulking) post it was Mothers Day yesterday and my period very kindly showed up just to rub it in my face that I am still not a Mother.  Every time someone mentioned what day it was I cringed inside.  This morning I woke up before my alarm due to the pain in my uterus.  I wonder if the surgery was even worth it but I have to believe it is better to have had a large amount of disease, adhesion's and scar tissue removed?

Maybe I am hoping for too much too soon.  Internal healing takes time and I guess I just need a little patience.  In another seven weeks perhaps the pain will have settled down.  For now I guess I just have to get through it and get on with life.  I have actually been doing just that the last few weeks.  J and I booked a weekend away in North Wales we had fabulous weather even though it was still just March.  It was so peaceful and relaxing just what we needed.  We walked on the beach, drove through the mountains, sat and looked over the lake, saw waterfalls and explored caernafon castle.

See those blue skies!  We didn't even need coats just jeans and a t-shirt.  The pace of life up there was slow, the roads were quiet even on a Friday afternoon rush hour.  It was just relaxing and I felt completely stress free.  My only issue was if we walked very far, or stood for too long, that ever so reliable back ache kicked in.  I tried to split the days up so we weren't walking too much and luckily as it was still March most places were pretty quiet so there were always benches available to sit and rest for a few minutes.

We got home on the Sunday afternoon which gave me time to get ready to return to work on the Monday morning.  I was looking forward to returning and also dreading getting up.  I am so not a morning person but my alarm was set for 6.45am so I could get to work for 8.00am.  I felt amazingly relaxed and ready for anything.  It was a shame that feeling didn't last long enough.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Mothers Day Sucks!

And just to rub salt in the wound my period started today.

I haven't been to to see my mother today as I just got home and J had dinner cooking.  Which was delicious and I was hungry after my journey home from Manchester.  I went with three friends to watch Kylie Minogue and she was fabulous.  Once uploaded I will post a couple of pictures.

But for now I just wanted to moan about Mothers Day Sucking!!

Saturday, 19 March 2011


I decided it was about time I gave alternative therapies a chance.  Since July 2008 I have had two surgeries and had Lupron for six months.  As we are trying to conceive it means the birth control pill and the mirena coil are out.  I use pain killers as and when needed but since my surgery, just over four weeks ago, I have not taken that much (not counting the few days right after surgery when I needed quite a bit of pain control).

I started reflexology Friday of last week and went again yesterday.  The lady that does it is tiny, lovely but tiny!  Seriously I am only 5 foot 4 and I feel so tall next to her.  I feel rude calling her tiny so I will refer to her as just plain and simple T.  I met her at the endo support group meeting at the end of January.  T came in to talk to us about what reflexology was and how it may help with our pain.  Not only our endo pain but the whole body.

The first thirty minutes we just spent running through my medical history.  I am surprised thirty minutes was enough but it was just basics needed I didn't need to go into detail.  Apart from my endo I have been pretty healthy.  I do suffer from eczema and hay fever but only mildly and all my other hospital visits were when I was much younger.  Once the basics were done I got to sit back and relax in the most comfortable sun lounger style chair ever.  Once I was sat comfortably the chair then tipped back so my feet were up in the air much easier for T to do her magic.

There was lovely relaxing music playing in the background and I immediately felt comfortable and relaxed.  T asked me to let her know whenever I felt any pain or tenderness on my feet or anywhere in my body.  The feet part was easy when she pressed on something and it was painful I let her know.  When I had pain in my body though how did I know if it was just pain I would have had anyway or if I needed to let her know.  I went with it and just told her when I felt anything.  Lots of notes where made during the hour she spent working my feet.

Anyone who has endo will likely agree with what I am going to say next and if you don't have endo then listen up!  Fatigue and tiredness play a major part in our lives.  If we say we  are tired we don't just mean I didn't get enough sleep last night.  We mean we are exhausted, beyond tired, our bodies ache with tiredness.  For me the fatigue is worse than the pain.  The pain can be lessened with pain killers and isn't constant (for me anyway other women are not so lucky) the fatigue however never leaves.  It is a running joke that I am constantly tired no matter how much sleep I have.  Well it turns out, as T explained it to me,  that the part of my feet that is connected to sleep is like a switch that is constantly ON!  She worked hard on this both weeks for me.  After the first session I left and was ready to fall asleep then and there at the wheel of my car on my drive home.  Yesterday however I commented that I felt wide awake and she replied "That's because I took it all from you, there was a point when I was so overcome with tiredness I felt like I would fall asleep."

Do you remember me telling you about the awful shoulder pain that was magically gone after surgery? Well guess what it hasn't gone.  It isn't there constantly now but it does still bother me.  It tends to be worse when I am led down in bed, I can't sleep on my back it hurts too much, as soon as get on to my side it eases off.  Apparently we have a nerve that runs from out neck down through the shoulder and then on down toward the pelvic area. T thinks this is what is causing my shoulder pain.  She worked on this both weeks for me but I am not yet seeing an improvement. 

I have a lot going on in all areas connected to the uterus and ovaries.  I guess that is completely expected when I am still recovering internally from surgery and I still have endo in there.  I like the fact that with reflexology they work on the body as a whole.  I had a cold about a week after surgery and it has been lingering just a little bit on my chest.  I cough from time to time.  Right at the end of the session yesterday I coughed and felt like I needed to spit up, of course I couldn't but she told me that she was working on my lungs as she could feel that I needed to get whatever was still lingering out from there.  I also had a slight yellowing in that area of my feet which showed there was still something there.  Hopefully next time I go that will be gone.

I am really happy with it so far and I look forward to the next appointment which is on the 28th.  It is going to be a be a busy day for me as I start back to work and the next endo meeting is also that night.  I scheduled the appointment with T so that when I leave her I can go straight to the meeting.  It is early days and I am hoping to get to see really noticeable changes and results withing the next month or so.  For now it is worth it just for the "me" time and the relaxation I get seems to ease life's daily stress.

Monday, 14 March 2011

2011 Awareness Endo Video

My lovely friend Barb made this amazing endo awareness video.  The fact that I am in it obviously makes it personal which of course this disease is!  Please watch and I hope you enjoy it, it most definitely brought tears to my eyes.  Go ahead and share it with as many people as you can.  Just in case you were wondering the women in the pictures all have endo and offered thier pictures to barv=b for the video.  Any questions then feel free to ask me.                            

Saturday, 12 March 2011

It is Match Day

March 12th 2011 Wales v Ireland at the Millenium Stadium in Cardiff!

(This is the poster from two years ago just change the date and time and the rest is still the same)

My husband and I have tickets and I cannot wait to go.  We have been to quite a few games in the past but I have never been to a game against Ireland.  While having relatives living in Dublin and going over on many occasions for the game we have yet to actually be at the game.

So today, we get to be there, actually at the stadium and I am so excited.  I love the atmosphere even if it is freezing!!

After the previous games of the six natons competition this one could go either way.  Obviously I want Wales to win and I really hope they can pull it off.

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

3 weeks post surgery

Three weeks ago today, right now in fact, I was in surgery.  Surgery that would hopefully give me some sort of pain free life.  When I was told how bad my right hand side was and that they hadn't touched it I knew instantly that I was not gong to be pain free.  I still had hope that my pain was gong to be greatly reduced though.  The fact that I had woken up with that awful shoulder pain gone helped keep my spirits up and believe that things could only get better.

After surgery I bled for 5 days.  Not heavily, just annoying and I was only allowed to use towels.  After using tampons for so long it was tough using sanitary towels.  My actual period was due on the 28th of February which is still yet to arrive.  I now have no idea when I might start to bleed.  It might just be I skipped this one due to post surgery bleeding and my next one will come right on time.  Or I could start bleeding at any time.  Who knows!  So for now, just to be on the safe side, I have tampons in my bag for whenever I leave the house.

I had five incisions for the surgery, four of which haven't really bothered me, but one has been extremely painful.  To look at it is so small and looks great as it is healing just fine.  But the pain, not all the time, wow it hurts.  It seems to ease pretty quickly though.  Maybe it is something I am doing that is aggravating it?  I guess I will have to keep an eye on when it starts and make a note of what I have been doing.  Over the counter paracetemol is enough to take the edge off. I really do not want to take anything stronger.  I hate painkillers!

That shoulder pain that I said was gone when I woke up, well it hasn't gone completely.  It is so much better than before but it is still there.  Much more bearable now and not constant.  It is the constant pain that can get you down, to always have some sort of pain is draining.  I have been having some ovary pain as well but again much better than before.  For now I am blaming it all on the fact that my insides are raw and healing.  The extent of surgery will take time to heal and I am going to allow it the time it needs before I blame the endo for causing the pain.

So for now things seem to be right on track (apart from my period).  I will be contacting the hospital at some point this week to find out when my follow up appointment will be.  I will not allow them to operate on me and then explain everything to me when I am lucid rather than high right after surgery.  They did that to me the last time and it took two and a half years to find out everything I wanted to know.

(originally written at 10am)

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Today is Yellow Shirt Day

March 1st, Yellow Shirt Day to kick of awareness for the month for endometriosis.

I love the fact that there are so many of my friends on facebook who have profile pictures signifying the importance of this month and using it to raise awareness.  Yes a lot of them are my endo sisters but there are also those supporting us that do not suffer.  To me that says so so much!

For me today is also St. Davids Day.  Today is a good day.

Lets all do as much as we can throughout the month of March to promote awareness for this incurable chronic pain disease that affects 176 million women worldwide.

Above are a few websites with plenty of information about endometriosis. 

I wore my yellow today with pride and will continue through out the month to post facts and statistics both here and on facebook.  I will apologise in advance if I start to bug you (probably more so on facebook than here) but please forgive me we need more awareness and if we don't speak out about it ourselves no one else will do it for us.

Saturday, 19 February 2011

Good news and bad

I arrived at the hospital at 7.30am on Tuesday morning.  Bright and early.  I was first on the list for the morning surgery so I changed straight into my lovely hospital gown, paper knickers and the ever sexy surgery socks.  The nurse that was assigned to me was back and forth making sure all my paperwork was done and getting my hospital bracelets printed.  I also had to have a pregnancy test, I understand why they need to do it, but there is no possible way that I was pregnant I had had my period and not had sex since.  Plus in all my almost 33 years I have never been pregnant wouldn't that be a shock if I was now!

Liz came in next, it is always nice to see a friendly familiar face.  Liz ran through everything again to make sure I was happy with what was happening and got me to sign the consent form.  I had to sign to say I agreed to blood transfusions, open surgery if any damage occurred, and lots of other things you just wouldn't think of.  Liz really did put my mind at rest as she said all of the things we talk through that could happen are highly unlikely but obviously there is a risk with any surgery so all bases have to be covered.  I had yet to meet my surgeon so I asked Liz if I would before surgery to which she said yes he should be here any minute.  It would have been strange going into surgery with someone I had never met even if I knew he had a great reputation.

My next visitor was my anaesthetist.  He was lovely, really friendly, but I have no idea what his name was.  Once again he just ran through things.  We discussed previous surgeries I have had and if I had ever had any problems with my lungs or heart after any anaesthetic I had had in the past.  He had checked my echo results and said there was no change from June 2008 which was good.

Mr G arrived within minutes, I didn't have time alone to get nervous, which was good.  Mr G was a little crazy but I instantly liked him.  I knew I was in the hands of the right person.  As the others had been so thorough Mr G didn't have a lot more to add.  He asked to see where my laparotomy scar was and was happy that it wouldn't impede his surgery.  They had been worried about the old scar all along.  They were still going to play it safe and use an alternative incision site until they knew for sure they could enter via the belly button area without causing damage.

After they had all left this was the only time I was left alone for a few minutes.  I emptied my bladder as I had been asked then sat and waited.  It was less than 5 minutes before I was collected and walked around to the anaesthetist.  I had local anaesthetic in my hand before they put the cannula in which was brilliant I hardly felt a thing that was the first time I had ever had that.  They gave me oxygen and talked me through everything they were doing.  I felt so at ease.  And I guess before I knew it I was fast asleep.

Waking up is the worst, isn't it?  I still had the tube in my throat but I was so woozy and sleepy it hardly bothered me and the nurse was quick to remove it once she saw I was coming round.  The nurse put the oxygen mask on me and just sat next to me, talking to me from time to time, checking I was okay.  I think I was just nodding.  I hate that sleepy stage, your head is awake and aware but your body won't do what you want it to.  I was in recovery about an hour before they returned me to the ward.

By now I was more awake and feeling amazingly well.  I instantly was feeling better which I never in a million years believed was possible.  I had been having horrible pain in my right shoulder for such a long time and that morning it had been particularly bad.  Now it was gone!  I wasn't in pain at this point either whatever they had given me was clearly working very well.  I was able to empty my bladder withing an hour of being back on the ward and was up and at um.  I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping and going to the bathroom my bladder seemed to go into overdrive.

I was hoping to be allowed home that evening but I had also been prepared to spend the night.  The anaesthetist came to see me.  He was pleased to hear I was feeling and doing so well but due to the excessive surgery and the length of time it had taken he wanted me to stay in for the night.  As I had prepared myself for this I agreed straight away they know best right!  He was able to tell me that they had removed a lot of scar tissue, adhesion's and endo.  They had unstuck my bowels, left ovary and pelvic wall so that is was now all free as it should be.  They put dye through my tubes and they were clear.  The right hand side was a different story.  My whole right hand side was so densely adhered that they left it alone.  There was too big a risk of causing more damage if they tried to free it up.  They were concerned about damaging my bowel and thought the risk was just too high.  They also left a spot of endo on my bladder, I am not really sure why, I guess they were worried about damage again.

So while I had good news about my left hand side and clear tubes I also had bad news about my right hand side.  They did however confirm that there was still part of my ovary on the right hand side.  I am terrified that the pain I get during my period is still going to happen due to the damage already done that couldn't be repaired.  Although I am also hopeful that ttc may be easier now the left side has been put right.  I guess we will just have to wait and see on both counts. 

So here is to recovering and moving forward.

Hopefully pain free.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Home and recovering

For those of you who do read here I thought I should let you know I am home and recovering.  The operation went well and I will be back to update you in a few days time.

Monday, 14 February 2011

8 Hours to go!

In 8 hours time I will be at the hospital.  I will be having my second surgery in less than three years.  I am having laparoscopic excision surgery.  Lets hope that this surgery brings relief.

So I am off to bed to try and to at least get some sleep.

I will be home Wednesday at the latest provided all goes to plan.  I am hoping they will discharge me Tuesday evening I guess we will have to wait and see.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

January 2010 until now.......

On the 20th January of 2010 I had an appt. with Liz who was a specialist endometriosis and pelvic pain nurse.  I had found the details for the self referral to Liz from my Endo UK support group.  It was an evening appt. at a hospital I hadn't been to before which is just a 20 minute drive away.  The hospital is enormous (compared to what I am used to).  It was easy to park and they have a reception area so I could get directions.  After walking for what seemed miles around lonely quiet corridors I found where I was supposed to be.

Liz was really friendly and put me at ease straight away.  She asked me to start at the beginning and tell her everything I thought was necessary for her to know.  As I was going through things she would ask me questions and take notes.  Once that part was done she gave a a questionnaire to fill in.  It was a pain scale from day 1 of my cycle to day 28.  She wanted to know when my pain was worse plus there was a picture of a woman and I had to colour in the areas that I suffer with pain.  I don't remember what else was on there I will try and get another copy and see if I can post it here.

After the questionnaire was done Liz asked me what was being done for my endo at this moment in time to which I replied nothing just painkillers when I need them.  Liz made a note of the meds I was currently taking.  Finally once she was happy she had all the information she needed she gave me her opinion.  The first thing she told me was that she thought I needed surgery.  My painkillers needed changing and she wanted to get me transferred to the endo surgeons at UHW.  For the first time I actually felt like someone was listening to me, truly listening.

The next steps were going to be Liz contacting my GP's to get me on painkillers that would help with the pain much better than those I was currently taking.  She would also write to my specialist and ask for me to be transferred to UHW for excision surgery.  Liz was sure my specialist would agree as he was just a general gynae and basically as an awkward patient for Mr E he would be better off not having to deal with me.  Liz assured me that of all the specialists she had written to she had not had one refuse.  At the end of the hour appt. I was so relieved I fought to hold back my tears.

Once again it was back to waiting.  Liz promised the letters would be done and posted by the weekend.  I gave it 2 weeks and made an appt. with my GP's to get rx for my new meds.  The best thing I now had on rx was lidocaine pain patches.  I could use up to 3 for 12 hours but then had to leave them off for 12 hours.  They were great as I could put them right on the area causing me pain.  Mostly I have used them for my lower back pain.  This is the pain that makes it difficult to walk, I end up leaning forward and having to sit down as soon as possible.  I also had three different lots of tablets for different levels of pain.  I was also to start taking the pain meds two days before I knew the pain would start to try and stop the higher levels of pain happening.

Mr E wouldn't refer me to UHW without seeing me first and talking through the difference in the surgeries.  He would have done laser removal although during my many appt.'s with him further surgery was never mentioned.  I saw him in the April he basically wanted me to know that excision was much more invasive and there were many more complications that could arise.  I already knew this as I had done a lot of research myself.  Once he was happy I knew what I was transferring to have done he agreed.  Now I had to wait for him to write back to UHW.  The letter was sent on April 27th.

Waiting, waiting, waiting isn't that all we seem to do with doctors appt.'s!  Finally I got an appt. with Mr P at UHW in October.  J (my husband) came with me.  Mr P was lovely really down to earth not like many other doctors you meet he was a real people person.  He asked me lots of questions, questions that no one else had ever asked me before. Questions that were actually relevant.  He examined me which as any woman will attest to is really uncomfortable and embarrassing.  It doesn't matter they are gynaecologists and have seen it all before!  He agreed that we should go ahead and do excision surgery so he filled out all the paperwork to get me on the list.  Here in the UK you are supposed to have treatment started by 26 weeks from referral.  November 26th was my 26 weeks date.  Mr P told me that they were running 2 months behind so we were likely looking at the end of January 2011.  He did make a note on my file that I was happy to have surgery Christmas week which would have been the 21st or 22nd.  Apparently most people don't want surgery right before Christmas I didn't care I just wanted it over and done with.

At least now I had an idea of when the surgery would happen.  That it really was going to happen!

We also spoke about fertility.  Mr P set up SA for J.  You would have thought such an easy test would have been done two years before.  So things really seemed to be moving in the right direction at last.  He gave us everything we needed and I just had to phone and make an appt. for a time that suited us.  The earliest available appt. that fitted in with work was late November so we had five weeks to wait.

So back to waiting.  I had a pre op appt. pretty quickly so I did hope that the surgery may just get squeezed in before Christmas but that was not to be.  I have a heart murmur so I had to get that checked before they would approve me for surgery.  Nothing is ever easy is it?   Luckily the echo was done within two weeks which is extremely quick now I just had to hope all would be okay for the surgery to actually happen.  I don't know what I would do if they said they couldn't go ahead.

J had his SA appt. late November.  We saw Pete he asked us some questions, how long we had been trying, if I had ever been pregnant, that type of thing.  Then he asked if we were on the IVF waiting list, when we said no, he asked why not.  So I explained that I had been unable to get anyone to refer me.  He said that my GP could do it.  I told him that my GP's had told us that they couldn't to which his reply was "rubbish!".  The SA results would go back to Mr P and he would write to us with the results.  The letter came through, but instead of results, the letter stated the test needed to be repeated.  I booked another appt for Jan 13th.

I heard nothing from the hospital for my surgery before Christmas.  On my return to work after the Christmas holidays my boss asked if I had a date yet.  I telephoned Mr P's secretary to find out so I could let my boss know.  She confirmed I had been booked in for Feb 15th.  I was surprised as I had expected to just be told not yet and have to keep waiting.  I finally had a date.

J had his second SA done and the results came back as sub optimal and that Mr P would discuss it with us at my post op appt. Now it was just 4 weeks until surgery.  I just let everything be for 4 weeks I needed to relax and not worry about SA results.  I concentrated on work and getting things done before Feb 15th.

It is now 8pm on Feb 13th.  I am nervous, anxious even but also hopeful.  I hope that this is the surgery to decrease if not rid me of pain.  I hope this is the surgery that makes our family a possibility.