Saturday, 11 June 2011

In the meantime

While we wait for IVF we are giving clomid a chance.  As I use OPK's I believe I have ovulated every month although late in my cycle which then gives me a short luteal phase.  I was O on CD18/19 so with my cycle being 26/28 days it made my luteal phase only 8 - 10 days long.  As your luteal phase should be a minimum of 10 days I am seeing this as being a problem and hoping that the clomid may help rectify it.

(Courtesy of Google images)

I was prescribed 50mg of clomid to be taken day CD3-7 for the next six months.  I have taken the first batch and I have had some side effects but nothing major.  Headaches have been the worst and I have noticed them as I don't normally suffer with headaches.  I had what I believed was ovulation pain for four or five days. The pain stopped the day after I got my positive OPK.

Ovulation was Thursday so I am just two days into my two week wait.  How do I get through the next two weeks?  I wish I had a good answer to that!  I just have to carry on as normal and try not to dwell on things too much.  Luckily this next week is quite busy.  Besides working full time, Monday I am having my haircut then going to my endo meeting, Tuesday dh and I have a date (we are going to see Pirates of the Caribbean), Wednesday I am going to see Take That in concert and then Thursday I will be halfway through these two weeks!

On the weight loss front I am 8lb's down. I am not doing brilliantly at this!  But I am going with my sister to the gym tomorrow.  I worry that if I may be in with a chance of a bfp this month I don't want to do anything strenuous that will hurt that in any way.  So I will be taking it easy but at least I will be up and active and getting my butt moving again.  Here goes nothing lets get that scale moving downwards again.

Monday, 6 June 2011

The next step

I had an appointment with my specialist on May 23rd.  It wasn't really good news and have put off blogging about it.  I needed time to get my head around what they told me.  I wasn't in a good place but I am moving forward and getting on with life.  What else can you do?

My appointment was at 11.15am so I went to work as normal for 8am.  It was a Monday and Monday's are, for me, just like the song manic.  I got 2 hours worth of work done which I know would make the rest of the week easier for me.  J picked me up at 10am and we drove to the hospital.  We have only ever been to this hospital once and we were taking a different route this time.  It was only a 30 minute journey at the very most so we had plenty of time. I always get nervous about being late though.  Luckily this route was easy and we made it with 30 minutes to spare even after finding somewhere to park which was no easy feat.

As we were early we had a bit of a wait.  We never go in to appt.'s on time, ever!  We got called in around noon, which isn't bad just 45 minutes late.  The downside it was not my specialist.  I probably should have insisted that I see him but I gave this female doctor a chance first.  She was actually really helpful and informative and I found out more from her that I had from anyone else.  I had a list of questions and I got answers to all of them.  They weren't necessarily the answers I was expecting to hear but at least now I know where we stand.

When I woke up from surgery I felt great.  The shoulder pain had gone and I felt amazing as seen as I had just been through a gruelling operation.  The pain came back pretty quickly I have been trying to ignore it, but, it is there.  The shoulder pain comes and goes and isn't constant so there is some improvement with that.  The back pain has also reduced but is still there from time to time.  The fatigue is as ever present as it always has been.  My cycle is heavy as usual but not quite so clotty.  The normal pelvic/ovary pain is there throughout my cycle but worse in the days leading up to the start.

Even though my surgery lasted a lot longer than I had been booked in for they had still been unable to remove everything.  My right hand side was so badly adhered they didn't touch it as they were worried about damage to my bowel.  At this appt. I found out that when they had looked in that area and assessed it they had left well enough alone as if they had tried to unstick the tissue then they would have most definitely perforated my bowel.  Bowel perforation would have meant a colostomy bag.  I am so pleased I woke up without one of those.  I was not prepared for that and if it had actually been a reality at the time I do not think I would have coped with it.  If I had advance warning that it was a high probability I would have prepared my self for it and it would not have then been a shock.

There were other areas of endometriosis that were not removed and they were also left due to the worry over my bowel.  I have a lot of bowel area stuck to places it should not be stuck.  No wonder I am always in so much pain especially when using the bathroom!   The fact that we had expressed that fertility was a major issue for us was what the doctors used during the surgery.  If we had already completed our family and no longer wanted children I am sure they would have been much more aggressive and removed everything possible.  To preserve my fertility they did what they could for now and I will be having further surgery at some point in the next few years.

I have to get through the next 12 months get to the top of that IVF waiting list and pray that we have a sucessful outcome.  I am once again playing a waiting game.  I wish we could afford to pay for treatment and just get on with things but all things come to those who wait.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Spare a minute

and read this blog post.

Raising Ransom

and if you have a few spare pennies think about donating.  My youngest niece has EB.  It is an awful condition and I can only imagine how much pain these two sweet boys are in while they don't get the medical attention the need and deserve.  Now I must go and work out how to donate!

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

It should have been great news

I feel guilty.  Guilty because even though I am happy I am also jealous and maybe even a little sad.

J was working lates last night.  The phone rang and I let the machine get it.  It was my mother in law.  I thought nothing of it as she always gets J's shifts wrong.  Then my mobile rang and it was J.  He started off by saying that he didn't know whether to tell me over the phone or face to face.  Obviously it was already too late to wait until face to face.  I am guessing the reason he went ahead over the phone was because of the hours we are working.  I won't actually see him face to face until Friday afternoon so it would have been a 48 hour wait.

So the news, you have probably guessed part of it.  I already had that feeling in the pit of my stomach of what was coming next.  My niece and her husband are 8 weeks pregnant.  It should have been good news.  It is good news.  They were married in November and within 4 months they have a baby on the way.  There is to be a new addition to the family.  I am going to be a great aunt!

The family where all really worried about telling me.  They all know our situation.  I feel sad that they didn't feel able to share the news without the worry of upsetting me.  Of course I am upset but I wish I could put into words to them how I feel.  I cried when J told me but I think in that moment it was both because I was sad it wasn't my news to be shared and the fact that no one wanted to upset me. 

How do you deal with the emotions?  I need advice and support right now.  Are these emotions normal?  Or am I just being dramatic?  Sometimes I think I drive myself crazy for no reason.

Just to be clear, I am happy for them, I just wish it was my turn.  Is that too much to ask?