Such deep sadness

I have never felt sadness so deep in my soul as I do right now. I have had such tough times over the last six years. Bad news seems to just keep coming. I have gotten through everything that has been thrown at me so far. With the support of my husband we have picked up the pieces and moved forward. Right now though I am not sure how or if I can. In my head I believe that time will of course help but my heart, right now, is broken in to a million pieces.

I have been married for just over fourteen years now and we were together for five years before that. In nineteen years we were not able to get pregnant then IC.SI changed that and we have our beautiful daughter. By some miracle we recently found out I was pregnant. Naturally. Even though my initial reaction was being terrified due to my heart condition we were both ecstatic. This was the best news ever this was making our family complete.

Until it wasn't anymore. I started to spot but didn't think much of it at first. I spotted with E I panicked and it came to nothing. This time I was more relaxed. But the bleeding got worse. I ended up going to the hospital. They checked me over and told us that everything I had told them and the checks they had done they were happy that this was still a viable pregnancy. Again I relaxed a bit but had to return two days later for a scan to confirm all was going as it should.  When the scan was done they told us that there was no pregnancy in my uterus.

I returned to see that doctor, taken the back route. The quiet way where I wouldn't have to face other people. We cried, heartbroken. It seemed like a lifetime we sat and waited but it was probably just ten minutes.  The report from the scan showed that there was something near my cervix. The doctor offered for us to just go home and leave things happen or she could see if she could help things there and then. I opted for her to check to see if she could see anything.  One minute we were pregnant and the next it was all over.

Right now I am in limbo not sure what I should be doing. This wasn't my journey, not being able to become pregnant was our struggle. I have always said we were fortunate not to have to deal with misca.rraige. How do I move forward from this? If it wasn't for E and my husband I am not sure what I would do.  The people we have told which is just immediate family have mostly commented on how at least we know we can get pregnant now. This hurts more than I can explain in words. This may have been a one off it hasn't happened naturally before this in nineteen years who is to say it will again. Plus just to top things off with the scan they found a mass on my left hand side which now has to be investigated.

Just three more days until the next scan and hopefully more information on where we go next. For now I just need to cry, to be sad and mourn the loss of our baby.

In six short days

E turns one!

I have no idea where the last twelve months have gone. They flew by so fast. My baby girl is no longer a baby but not quite a toddler yet. She has done amazingly well and is really flourishing. All the early concerns, so far, have come to nothing. We will continue to watch her as she grows and continues to develop.

At her 9 month review (which was done at 10 months, 8 months corrected) E was hitting almost all her milestones.the biggest issue, which they were not at all concerned about as she was hitting the corrected age, was visual. Part of this for example is holding a spoon and being able to bring it to her mouth. Everything else scored between her actual age of 10 months up to 15months.

I have been extremely lucky and enjoyed the full twelve months off work with her. I am stressed out about returning to work in a weeks time. It isn't the work or the job but leaving E. If we could afford for me to stay home that is definitely what would be happening but for now that is not possible so off to work I go. I am sure after a few weeks everything will settle in to place and we will be just fine.

We were hoping for a second little miracle but so far that is not to be. We have been talking seriously the last few weeks about it though. If I am honest I am not sure that a second pregnancy would be the best for us, or should I say me and maybe the baby. I am very worried about a second premature birth and with my heart condition I also worry if something were to happen to me.

I have enquired about adoption and we are looking at this as a serious option. If any of you know any blogs on adoption in the UK please let me know. We almost didn't do IVF at all as we were going to go straight to adoption. I guess we needed to try at least once and I am now so glad we did.

I will probably be back in another six months for an update :0)

6 months later

I know I left you all hanging so just popping in to say hello. That is assuming you are still reading!

My baby girl is now 6 months old and is doing really well. We have her consultant follow up tomorrow where I will be raising a few very small concerns. I am sure it is just my over protectiveness and she is perfectly fine but a little reassurance can only be a good thing.

I wish I was able to blog about the last 6 months but I just can't bring myself to do it. Every time I start to think about what happened I start to tear up and have to force my brain to switch off. I feel like I might just break and I am not ready to go there yet. Did anyone do the fac.eb.ook video? Mine included a picture of me holding E when she was just days old and and I sat and sobbed! It is ridiculous and even now I have tears welling in my eyes. I am considering asking my doctor about finding someone to talk to about it. I know therapy is readily available in the US but here in the UK I would not know where to begin.

Anyway enough for now, hopefully I will able to update her more often once I get past this.